


Madness

by Winddrag0n



Series: Madness AU [1]
Category: SAKANA
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Drug-Induced Sex, Light Bondage, M/M, Swearing, a lot of swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-05-14 17:56:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 37,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5752810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winddrag0n/pseuds/Winddrag0n
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the ice machine exploded and Mura came to take Taro away, what if he took Jiro instead? With no one to defend Yuudai, Arata forces his way back into his life, and everything spirals out of control.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Supermassive Black Hole

As usual, Yuudai was having a shitty day. Over the weekend he had made the mistake of actually going out for once, ended up shitfaced, and drunk texted his piece of shit ex. He had been dodging texts and calls all day yesterday, and was not looking forward with having to work with two of the people responsible for his situation. They were late, of course, and Yuudai had taken up a spot in the back, butchering fish and trying to work out some of his anger. Everything just continued to go downhill from there; Jiro had snuck off to flirt with his new girlfriend, and had even had the gall to send someone to try and distract Yuudai so he wouldn’t notice. He had only just dragged the man’s useless ass back and started tearing into him when a horrible clicking noise pierced the air. All they got was a shouted warning from Chie before the entire fish market was flooded with ice.

The day was as good as ruined as far as customers went, and the three men grumpily began to clean the place. Not much later a familiar face rolled up on a scooter: Mura. Just who Yuudai wanted to see. The older man mentioned that people were helping out with cleaning around the ice machine, and gestured for Jiro to come with him.

“What? No!” Yuudai narrowed his eyes and tried his best to look intimidating, but the man on the scooter just kept sitting there with that smug grin on his face. “I need him to help clean up here!”

“Ren’s orders, kid, can’t argue with that!” Mura wouldn’t even look at Yuudai, instead beckoning Jiro over enthusiastically. “Besides, Taro’s a strong guy, you guys can handle it.” Jiro looked a bit unsure of what to do, glancing nervously between the two men, sweat beginning to bead on his forehead.

“I-I guess I should go…” The fidgety man finally stepped out towards the cart and when Yuudai made no move to stop him, he quickly climbed in. “I’ll see you later, Taro.” He waved, and Mura quickly sped off, laughing all the way.

“Stupid piece of shit,” Yuudai grumbled, crossing his arms angrily. “Thinks he can order me around like he’s my boss or something, I’ll show him someday.”

“Well…” Taro spoke up, grabbing one of the nearby brooms. “Let’s just get this over with, yeah? I’ll go clean my station and you can deal with… this.” The short man punctuated his final comment with a sweeping gesture, indicating the ice rapidly melting on the storefront. Yuudai simply continued to mutter under his breath, and Taro finally shrugged and vanished into the back.

Left alone, Yuudai continued to stand in place with his arms crossed, glaring at the ice itself. Why should he have to do most of the work? He was the supervisor, and Taro should be listening to him, not the other way around. The other man was certainly stronger and much better suited to this type of labor, but… he shuddered slightly at the thought of trying to order Taro around. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, he was a bit intimidated by the older brother; he had a nasty temper and wasn’t afraid to beat the shit out of someone if the thought crossed his mind. This past weekend had been bad enough on its own and Yuudai didn’t really want to add ‘serious bodily harm’ to his long list of grievances. Why couldn’t Mura have left Jiro instead? He’d be really easy to order around. What a fucking pushover. That loser thought he could get away with anything, didn’t he? Stepping out for a chat with his girlfriend while he was supposed to be working? What a freak.

Yuudai angrily grabbed a broom and started sweeping up the ice, ranting about Jiro as he worked. Gathering the ice into the large buckets wasn’t too difficult, but when he actually had to move the massive things, he found himself wishing that he was just a little bit stronger. Instead he’d just go back to fucking stupid-ass Jiro and the burst of anger helped him to move the heavy objects. An hour passed this way, and by the end of it Yuudai was sweating and red in the face, partly from exertion and partly from rage.

The stall still wasn’t supposed to close for at least another hour, so even though they hadn’t had any customers since the ice machine exploded, Yuudai couldn’t just close the register and be done with it. Still, he could afford to sit down for a while and relax, so he collapsed behind the register and began leafing through all the old receipts and paperwork to see how badly his coworkers had fucked it up. He noticed several small mistakes and scoffed; this wasn’t exactly calculus, so how the hell did Jiro manage to screw this up so often?  _ I guess this is what happens when you hire your relatives instead of competent workers, _ Yuudai thought bitterly. He was fully prepared to launch into another mental tirade when he heard footsteps approaching the register. Yuudai sighed. It probably wasn’t a customer, but there was always that possibility, so he dusted himself off and stood up, getting ready to greet whoever the stranger was.

The moment he caught sight of the visitor he immediately shot back down and hid behind the counter, shaking. It was a man, someone wearing a familiar gray jacket, with that scruffy beard and shaggy hair, and that  _ stupid fucking hat-- Arata. _

“Are you trying to hide, you idiot?” As if on cue, the man in question appeared next to Yuudai, leaning around the counter, a vicious grin on his face. “You know I saw you, right?”

_ No no no, this cannot be happening. _ Yuudai covered his face with his hands and pressed himself against the counter, trying his hardest to melt into it completely. “W-what are you doing here?” he stammered, refusing to look the other man in the face.

“C’mon man, it’s been forever! Like a year, right? Let’s catch up!” Arata grabbed Yuudai’s arm and hauled the younger man to his feet before spinning him around to face him. Almost immediately he frowned and spun him back around, and Yuudai soon felt a hard tug on the bottom of his hair.   


“W-what are you--”

Before he could react Arata burst out laughing, and Yuudai flinched. It was a harsh, grating sound, one that brought back nothing but unpleasant memories. “What the hell is this, dude? Are you growing a mullet? That’s disgusting!” He continued to laugh, and Yuudai jerked himself out of the other man’s grip and started to walk away. “Hey, hey, woah, wait up!” Seconds later Arata had him again, this time wrapping his arms around his torso. “Lighten up man, it’s just hair, it’s easy to fix!”

“I told you not to come here!” Yuudai shouted, pushing Arata away with a sudden surge of strength before turning to face him.

For a brief second Arata looked surprised, but then the mocking grin reassembled itself. “Hah. Like four years ago. I just wanted to have a little chat, that’s all.”

“About WHAT?”

Instead of speaking, Arata simply held up his phone and wiggled it back and forth. “Can’t we be adults about this? Is that really too much to ask?” Yuudai could feel the blush on his face rapidly expand, and he made a mental note to never, EVER go out drinking again.

“I… I’m working! I can’t talk right now!” It was a long shot, and judging by the other man’s raised eyebrows it hadn’t worked at all. “I’m the only one here right now, I can’t leave!” This time he was only answered by a pointing finger, and he turned to see Taro’s head poking through the curtains, and he had never wanted to hurt another person so badly before.

“Everything okay out here?” Taro asked, looking like he didn’t actually care.

“Nah, it’s all great!” Arata chimed in, throwing his arm around Yuudai’s shoulders and causing the other to stiffen. “Hey, I’m an old friend of this guy and we haven’t seen each other in forever. You wouldn’t mind if we stepped out a bit to chat, right? It doesn’t seem to busy, you can probably handle it!”

Yuudai tried his hardest to look distressed and upset and silently ask Taro for help, but instead the shorter man simply shrugged and retreated into the back, and in no time Arata was dragging Yuudai out of the stall and into the fish market. They maneuvered through the market until Arata pushed Yuudai into an alley-- the same one he had caught Jiro in earlier, and he would have laughed if he hadn’t been so terrified.

Arata arranged himself so he was directly across from Yuudai, one leg crossed over the other, and with a jolt Yuudai realized the stretched out leg was directly in between both of his. It was very narrow and the other man was distressingly close. “Could… could you move over?”

The older man rolled his eyes. “Really, Yuudai? Are you embarrassed? After everything we’ve done? You can be such a girl sometimes.” Yuudai cringed, which made Arata grin. “Anyways… the text? What was that about?”

“I…” Yuudai honestly had no idea. He still refused to look at whatever he had sent to Arata, fearing the worst. His mouth opened and closed a few times before he finally fell silent. “Erm,” he finished confidently.

At first Arata looked impatient, but his eyes widened as realization hit him. “You have no idea what you sent me, do you?” Silence, followed by more harsh laughter. “Oh man, you’re a piece of work! You got so drunk you totally forgot? How lame, man! Look, look, it doesn’t matter, okay? Gimme your phone.” Instead of waiting for a reply, Arata rummaged through Yuudai’s pockets, ignoring the other man’s protests. Once he pulled out the item out, he flipped it open, hit a few buttons and slipped it back into it’s place. “There. Deleted. The past can stay in the past, right? Don’t worry about it, okay?”

“But…”

“Let’s just hang out tonight! Nothing big, right? Two old friends catching up. Not a big deal. Get a couple drinks, shoot the shit, have fun, okay? Like old times? I’ll let you get back to work, but I’ll swing by your place tonight, sound good?”

“No, I--”

“Alright, perfect! I’ll see you later tonight, bud.”

Just like that, he was gone, and Yuudai sank to the ground.  _ What the fuck have I gotten myself into? _

 

* * *

 

 

Sunlight streamed through the window, and a few birds outside slowly roused Yuudai from his slumber. He groaned and tried to roll out of the bed but found he couldn’t move. Alarmed, he found himself fully awake, and soon felt a familiar pain. A headache began to root itself deep in his brain. Now on the verge of panicking, he looked down and found the cause of his paralyzation; a strong arm thrown over his chest.  _ No, _ he thought, nearing hysteria.  _ Please, no, anything but this.  _ Despite his fear, he turned his head, and nearly vomited.

Arata was sleeping beside him.

Like lightning, Yuudai slipped out from under the crushing embrace and nearly bolted for the door-- no, he wasn’t home, this was Arata’s place-- then took a sharp left and made a beeline for the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. Safely inside, he flipped open the toilet lid, leaned over it and retched. The sharp, burning taste of acid told him he hadn’t eaten much, if at all, but the meagre contents of his stomach came up all the same. He crouched there for a while, propping himself up with his arms and weighing the pros and cons of sticking his head in the toilet and drowning himself in his own vomit. Eventually he decided he couldn’t do that to Hime, and so he rinsed his mouth out at the sink, flushed the toilet, and prepared to sneak out of the house without his ex-boyfriend noticing.

It was then that Yuudai realized he was completely naked. He would have liked to had said he didn’t consider leaving regardless, but the fear of being so exposed eventually won out over the fear of confronting Arata, who had likely been woken up by all the noise Yuudai had made. Resigning himself to the fact that he wouldn’t be able to avoid the other man forever, he took a deep breath, tried to calm down, and reentered the bedroom.

Arata was sitting up in the bed, fiddling around with his phone. He looked up as Yuudai entered the room and narrowed his eyes, expression unreadable. “You done vomiting?” he asked, no trace of sympathy in his eyes. Yuudai ignored the other man and started to scan the room, searching for his clothes. “That’s what you get for drinking so much.”

“Where are my clothes?” Yuudai refused to meet the other man’s gaze, only glancing up briefly in time to see the man shrug and toss his phone to the side. Irritated, he turned away and continued his search.

“I practically had to carry your ass back last night, y’know. A little thanks would be appreciated.” The annoyance in the other man’s tone was growing.

Yuudai stiffened briefly, then spotted something out of the corner of his eye- his underwear. It was a start, at least. “Thanks for forcing me to drink with you,” he bit back.

“I didn’t force you to do anything,” Arata replied, voice dangerously low.

The chair in the corner had something hung over the back- pants, Yuudai realized, and he pulled them on. “Yeah, because I couldn’t think of anything better to do than hang out with my piece of shit good-for-nothing ex.”

Silence, then a low growl from Arata.  _ Oh, shit, _ Yuudai thought, trembling slightly.  _ I shouldn’t have said that.  _ There was a soft thud as Arata slid off the bed, and Yuudai redoubled his efforts to find the rest of his clothing.

“Excuse me?” The older man took a few steps forward. “I didn’t fucking kidnap you, you came with me on your own. Stop blaming me for your own mistakes.”

“At least we agree it was a mistake!” Yuudai immediately clamped his mouth shut, but it was too late.  _ Stop talking, you idiot! Stop fucking talking! _

“Really?” A cruel laugh, followed by a strong hand fisting into the ends of Yuudai’s hair. Arata jerked the other’s head backwards until he couldn’t avoid looking into those awful diamond eyes. “Sure about that? You seemed pretty fucking willing last night. Or do you just sleep with anyone that gives you the time of day now?” He grinned. “Never pegged you for a whore, Yuudai.”

“Fuck…” Yuudai seethed, lifting up his foot. “...you!” With surprising force, he stomped down on Arata’s foot, earning a yelp of pain and a loosening of the hand clinging to his hair. Where were his keys? Pants pocket, perfect, along with his wallet. “Get the fuck away from me. I never want to see your face again.” He pushed away, freeing himself and moving for the door. Fuck the shirt. He had more.

“Yuudai, wait--” But Yuudai was already out the door, running down the stairs and into the street.

As he ran he pulled at the long hair at the back of his head, unable to shake the feeling of a vice trapping him in place.  _ This has to fucking go. I can’t let this happen again. _ Once he was a safe distance away, he slowed, wrapping his arms around his bare chest and shivering. It was very cold outside, and he had a long way to go before reaching the station, but he found himself slowing nonetheless. The biting wind distracted him, let him think of something else, and he almost relished the pain. People stared at him as he walked, but he was only focused on one thing; home, and the pair of hair cutting shears lying in a drawer next to his bed.


	2. Invincible

Yuudai wore his beanie to work the next day. He had cut off the mullet the second he had gotten home, but cutting your own hair was difficult, and the end result was rather atrocious. Luckily the hat covered it, and if anyone has noticed the change, they hadn’t said anything. As far as business went, it had been a rather slow day, perhaps still due to the ice machine incident two days previous. Things were winding down, and Jiro had gone on his last break, leaving Yuudai to run the stall. He was cleaning up, his back to the register, when he heard a familiar voice.

“U-um… is Jiro here?”

Taisei.

Yuudai felt the blush creep across his face despite his best efforts to keep it at bay. He set down the rag and turned to face the tall man, who was fidgeting nervously. “He’s on his break. He’ll be back soon.”

“Could… I wait here for him?” Taisei was staring at the ground, shifting back and forth on his feet.

“Do whatever you want.” Yuudai turned away from the giant and went back to cleaning.

The pair were silent for maybe a minute before Taisei spoke up again. “Do… do you really hate me?”

 _Yes,_ Yuudai wanted to say. _It’s your fault I went out drinking and texted Arata. It’s your fault I got dragged out with him and got really drunk and hooked up with him. It’s your fault that piece of shit is back in my life again._ Instead, he looked up at the other man, who looked very much like a kicked puppy. “No,” he sighed.

The tall man brightened immediately, and suddenly lunged at Yuudai, lifting him off the ground with a powerful hug. “Wha-” Yuudai stuttered, flustered.

“I knew it!” Taisei cried triumphantly, rubbing his cheek on Yuudai’s hat like some sort of freak. “I knew Taro was wrong! We had so much fun Saturday, there was no way you could hate us!”

 _I wouldn’t go that far,_ Yuudai tried to answer, but it came out as gibberish. Taisei wouldn’t stop talking but all Yuudai could hear was a loud ringing in his ears as he tried to process the situation. He felt his beanie shift, and he almost said something, but Taisei had already managed to rub the thing right off his head.

“Hm?” Taisei interrupted himself and abruptly set the skinny man back down. He peered at the other’s head with that unnervingly serious expression and Yuudai felt the blush somehow get even larger. “Your hair…?”

“What about it?” Yuudai nearly shouted.

“You cut it!” The grin on the other man’s face was blinding, and Yuudai squinted reflexively. “Well, sort of! You should get it fixed!”

“H-hey! It’s hard to cut it, alright?”

“Wow! You did that yourself? That’s amazing!” Yuudai was briefly offended until he realized Taisei was, as usual, being sincere. “Still, we should fix it! Want me to do it for you?”

“Um,” Yuudai replied eloquently. “No, that’s… you can cut hair?”

“Sure!” Taisei chuckled. “Not super well, but I learned in America! I can fix that no problem!”

“No, it’s, it’s really okay, I can get it fixed later today-”

“And have to pay for it? Nonsense!”

“It’s alright, I don’t mind, I don’t want to bother you, don’t worry about it!”

Taisei fell silent, and Yuudai immediately thought he had said something wrong. Instead, the other man slowly reached up and tucked his hair behind his ears, revealing his piercing eyes-- business mode.

“OKAY!” Yuudai screeched, desperately trying to avoid embarrassing himself and failing. “Okay! Alright, it’s okay, you can help!”

“Awesome!” Taisei cheered, his hair falling back in front of his face. “I knew you’d come around! Come back with me and Jiro!”

“Uh, I have to, my cat…”

“Then I can do it at your place!”

Yuudai’s eyes widened. “Uh, no, that…”   

“You still have my number, right? Just text me the address and I’ll come by later tonight if that works!”

“...alright,” Yuudai mumbled, defeated.

“Perfect! I’ll see you later tonight! Oh, Jiro!” Just like that, Taisei was gone, running towards the aforementioned man, and Yuudai was left to wonder what the hell he had gotten himself into this time.  

 

* * *

 

 

Yuudai was pacing, something he found himself doing a lot these days. Every so often he would pause and shift whatever item he had in front of him slightly, pretending he was doing something constructive instead of having a little bit of a fit. Hime sat on the back of the couch and watched him in that detached manner cats had perfected, presumably monitoring the situation in case something more interesting happened. A pass near the cat would earn her a brief twitch of a pet from her owner and gave her more than enough reason to hang around, and in turn this gave Yuudai a small sense of reassurance.

“He’ll be here soon,” Yuudai mumbled, glancing at the clock.

“Mow,” Hime answered.

“What should I do? Should I make tea? I don’t even know if I have enough cups.”

“Wowmow?”

“Right?” Yuudai laughed. “Two. Two cups would be enough and I don’t know if I have that many. Hey, maybe I could use your water bowl!”

“MOW! Mowmowow, wowomow!”

“Calm down princess, it was just a joke. When is the last time I even had somebody over here?” Chance put Yuudai right in front of the cat when he stopped to think. He idly ran his fingers through her fur, and she began to purr. “I think it was…” Memories flooded in, images of coarse hair, lean muscles, droopy eyes and a surprisingly kind smile.

“No!” Yuudai threw his hands to the sides of his head, startling Hime with the quick movement. “Of all the things to think about right NOW, he’s almost here, he’ll be here ANY MINUTE, get out, get the fuck out of my head, think cold, think of the fucking arctic, think of the ice mac--ARGH!” Hime shot off the couch at the last scream, bolting into the bedroom. “Oh, no, princess, no, I’m sorry!” The skinny man tottered in after her, glancing around for the startled animal. “I didn’t mean to be loud, daddy’s sorry, it won’t happen again--” and then he found her, standing next to the desk, and scooped her into his arms. Nonsense streamed from his mouth as he scratched at her belly and once more, the cat began to purr.

A rhythmic knocking shocked him out of his trance and Hime slipped from his arms. A short ‘MOW’ escaped the cat, who strolled off somewhere to clean herself. _Deep breaths,_ Yuudai willed himself to calm. _Deep breath, then answer the door._ He patted his shirt down, trying futilely to brush off the cat hair, before finally padding over to the door. _Deep. Breath._ Following his own advice, he inhaled, exhaled, then opened the door.

There was a giant on the other side. A giant with a broad grin and a plastic bag filled with what appeared to be, among other things, a decent amount of bottles. “Hi!” the giant exclaimed, grin never leaving his face. “Can I come in?”

Unable to speak, Yuudai simply nodded and stepped to the side, letting the taller man in. Taisei kicked off his shoes in the entryway, set down the bag and immediately started talking. “So I know you probably have hair cutting scissors but I brought a pair anyways, and I thought afterwards we could watch a movie or something but I don’t know what you like so I brought a bunch along and some drinks, we can drink! I know we both work tomorrow but we don’t have to drink TOO much it’d be fun either way, and--” He stopped.

The sudden silence sent a chill down Yuudai’s spine. _What happened?_ He tried to figure out what could have caused the other to stop talking so abruptly, but came up empty. Nothing embarrassing was laying around, he had made sure of that, but had he missed something? Terrified of what he would find, Yuudai slowly turned around and saw Taisei was completely frozen, staring at something in the corner.

“Oh my god,” Taisei whispered, then shot out towards the corner. A faint squeak could be heard and he soon stood up at his full height, a white bundle of fur being held proudly above his head, and relief flooded through Yuudai. “GA HA HA!” The loud laugh caused Hime to start rapidly squirming, trying to free herself from the tight grip the tall man currently held her in. “Yuudai, is this your cat? Oh my gosh! It’s so cute! What’s their name?”

“Um.” Yuudai realized he was being asked a question, and spent a moment try to recall what it had been. “H-Hime. Her name is Hime.”

“It’s perfect!” Taisei finally set the cat down, and she jogged a short distance away and started to fix the fur that Taisei had disheveled. “Do you have any cat toys? Can I play with her?!”

“I, um…” There were, in fact, cats toys, but Yuudai found himself struggling to answer the excitable man.

“Oh! Silly me! Let me fix your hair first, you probably want to get that out of the way! Do you have a bathroom?”

“No… it’s... communal, down the hall.”

“Let’s find a good spot then!”

Yuudai imagined this was what it felt like to be inside a tornado. Before he even fully realized what was happening a chair had been dragged into the corner and he had been shoved into it, a towel tied around his shoulders to catch the hair. Taisei had tucked his hair behind his ears to give him a better view and that was about when Yuudai decided to just close his eyes and wait for it to be over. “Just fixing it up, right?”

“Um… sure,” Yuudai replied meekly.

“Alright, stay still!” The air was soon filled with the snapping of scissors, but Yuudai’s hopes of a silent haircut were almost immediately dashed as Taisei started chatting. “Jiro told me you’ve been working at the fish stall for a really long time! Do you like it there?”

“...I guess?” While it wasn’t the most glamorous job in the world, Yuudai did take some measure of pride in it, and Ren was a good man. He did have some grievances, but he wasn’t about to say that his least favorite aspect of his job was the giant’s lifelong best friend.

“Awesome! It seems pretty fun! My job can get kinda boring, but I love selling scooters!” Taisei got closer to Yuudai’s neck, cutting away the remaining shreds of the mullet. His hand brushed against Yuudai’s neck by mistake, and the blonde shivered at the touch. Thankfully, Taisei didn’t seem to notice. “So why did you change you hair? The mullet was super cool!”

 _He’s being serious,_ Yuudai reminded himself, calming himself down from the involuntary flash of anger the comment had prompted. “I g-guess I just… felt like cutting it?” Yuudai was a poor liar, but Taisei was so trusting it didn’t seem to matter.

“Cool! I try to change my hair sometimes but it never seems to turn out well, so I just stopped trying. I wish I could mess around with it more, it seems so fun!”

Yuudai took a chance and opened one of his eyes slightly, only to find Taisei was right in front of him, working on his bangs. The intense look on the other’s face made Yuudai blush furiously and he quickly shut his eyes once again.

“Say, do you like shopping?”

“”N-not really…” The question came out of nowhere but Yuudai managed to squeak out a reply nonetheless.

“Aww. I love it! I love clothes! Nothing is ever in my size though, since I’m so tall, so I always bring Jiro with me and make him try stuff on! You’re much closer to my size so I thought maybe stuff that fit you could fit me! Your jacket fit me just fine!”

 _When was he wearing my jacket?_ There was absolutely no memory of such an event in Yuudai’s head, which worried him a bit. Before he could bring it up Taisei clapped his hands and stepped back.

“Finished! Let me clean up!”

Yuudai opened his eyes in time to see Taisei scurry off. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to judge how it had come out. It felt even enough, and he realized his hair hadn’t looked like this for at least five years. Taisei soon returned with a tiny dustpan and hand broom and set about sweeping up the scattered hair. The objects looked so tiny compared to the man holding them that Yuudai couldn’t help but crack a smile; it was cute. Yuudai mentally kicked himself for thinking that.

Seemingly for no reason, Taisei looked up at Yuudai, and paused his sweeping. His eyes grew wide. “Yuudai!” he squeaked. “The mullet was super cool, but you look _really good_ with short hair!”

It shouldn’t have been possible, but Yuudai turned even redder than before. “I… I have to use the bathroom! I’ll be right back!” He ripped the towel off, leapt off the chair and dashed out of the room, cursing under his breath. Damn Taisei and his stupid, adorable face.

Upon returning Yuudai had enthusiastically reached for the alcohol, which seemed to excite the tall man. Movies had been forgotten in favor of playing with Hime, which the cat was enjoying greatly. She leapt and twisted in the air, desperately trying to reach the fuzzy toy on the end of a rope Taisei was whipping about frantically. Both men were laughing hysterically, particularly when the cat misjudged a jump and went careening into a wall. For the first time in a while, Yuudai was simply enjoying himself, not worrying about what the other person was trying to get out of him, and all seemed right with the world.

Until his phone buzzed. Not giving it a second thought and still giggling a little, Yuudai flipped it open to see who the text was from, and in a second all the happiness was gone.

 _Hey bud u home_ Arata had texted. As usual, almost before Yuudai could even finish reading the text more arrived in rapid succession. _u left ur shirt and jacket im bringing them 2 u_ and _we need 2 talk 2_ then _im sorry i was hungover lol_  and finally _be there in 15 k_

“Um,” Yuudai began, not sure how to best go about getting Taisei before Arata arrived, since the two meeting would likely end in disaster. “Taisei, I’m sorry, but I like, need to sleep?”

“Whaaaaaat?” The protest was so drawn out it seemed sarcastic, but the giant frown on Taisei’s face said otherwise. “But it’s only 4!”

 _Shit._ Yuudai would have rubbed his temples if he had been alone. “Right, sorry, I, uh, thought it was later. I actually, um, someone is coming over, I totally forgot about it…”

“More people?” The frown inverted itself at breakneck speed. “Oh boy!”

More buzzing. _lol cant believe u still live in this shithole neighborhud_

This wasn’t working. Yuudai was running out of options, so he decided to go with something unconventional… the truth. Well, sort of. “Okay, Taisei, I need you to believe me, alright?” The smile dimmed a bit, but Taisei nodded. “I really, really need you to leave, right now. It’s not your fault!” he added hastily, seeing the crestfallen look on the other’s face. “I promise you that it’s... important. Really important. I’ll tell you later, but there’s no time, okay? Please?”

Taisei looked thoughtful, then stood up. “Okay! I trust you!” He gathered his things at a surprising speed and walked briskly to the door. “I’m bummed we couldn’t hang out more, but I understand! Next time!”

Yuudai sighed. He felt bad lying to Taisei; he fully intended to avoid the other man until the day he died if possible. There was no way he was going to tell Taisei about Arata, but the other man didn’t need to know that.

“Thanks,” and Yuudai smiled. Taisei gathered him up into a crushing hug, and Yuudai could feel his face grow hot, but then Taisei was gone and Yuudai had to figure out how to deal with the bigger problem.

Soon enough, the bigger problem had arrived, and was currently whaling on the door. “Hey, Yuudai,” Arata called out, briefly ceasing his knocking. “Yo, I know you’re home man, You get off work super early and always come right back, let me in, bud! Just wanna talk and give this back to you.”

Pretending not to be home was a pretty appealing idea, but Yuudai had a hunch it wouldn’t work as well as the last time. That thought combined with the liquid courage coursing through his veins had him walking to his door, and he resolved himself for an unpleasant conversation.

Arata looked mildly surprised when Yuudai actually opened the door, but it soon morphed into a grin. “What’s up! You cut your hair! Much better, man.” A hand reached out to ruffle through the short blonde hair, but Yuudai immediately shrugged it off and wordlessly turned back into his apartment. “Woah, alright, calm down there, princess.” Despite the cold greeting, Yuudai left the door to his apartment open, and Arata followed him in, shutting it behind him before removing his shoes. “Hey, speaking of princesses…”

Unconsciously, Yuudai glanced towards Hime, who was still grooming herself after the strenuous workout. Arata set the shirt and jacket down on the couch and walked over to the white cat, scratching her behind the ears. _Bite him,_ Yuudai hoped, but she instead began to purr, the little traitor.

“Haha, man, you still look like shit! C’mere, you little fucker!” Arata scooped up the cat and continued with the insults. Yuudai had long since learned that Arata simply talked to pets that way, using the harsh words as a bizarre form of affection. For a time he had convinced himself that it extended to people as well, but that illusion had been shattered along with the bottle across his face.

Grimacing at the memory, Yuudai shook his head to chase the thought away. “You wanted to talk?” He threw himself down onto the couch and looked at Arata expectantly.

Sensing the hostility, Arata elected to pull over the desk chair and sit in that instead of sitting on the couch as well. “Alright, you’re pretty clearly not happy, whatever. I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you before, but I was hungover, alright? You can’t keep blaming me for everything, it’s not cool.”

“Why not?” Yuudai huffed. As an expert in angering his ex boyfriend, Yuudai fully intended to piss the other man off until he stormed out and hopefully never returned.

“Why not? Are you serious, bud? Get off your fucking high horse and take some responsibility for once.”

“Shouldn’t I be the one saying that to you?” The remark was punctuated with a finger pointing directly at his scar.

“Really?” Arata laughed mirthlessly. “You wanna get into that now?”

Yuudai threw his hands in the air. “Why not? It’s pretty fucking important, don’t you think? You threw a fucking bottle at me!”

“You fucking _know_ I wasn’t trying to hit you! I didn’t mean to hit you, fuck! It was a fucking accident! I was drunk, I threw it at the wall and I _fucking missed!_ ” Arata was out of the chair now, and Yuudai tried to hide his smile, but wasn’t quick enough. “Wait. Are you… are you _fucking drunk?”_

Instantly, Yuudai turned away. Arata glanced around the room and noticed the bottles scattered around, bending down to pick one up. “...yeah,” Yuudai admitted, knowing lying wasn’t going to work.

“Christ, man.” Arata sighed before falling heavily onto the couch, causing Yuudai to sit bolt upright. “I didn’t come here to fight. We’ve done that shit enough.” He glanced to the taller man, who was trying his hardest to press himself against the arm of the couch and glaring at him. “Monday, it was… it was fun, y’know?”

Well, of all the things Yuudai had been expecting to hear, that certainly wasn’t one of them. “It… was?”

“Ha! You probably don’t remember anything, do you! You went right for the alcohol, and you were always such a lightweight. Gotta cut back on the booze some time, especially if you’re drinking alone.” Arata had a sad smile on his face, but Yuudai was too busy thanking his lucky stars he hadn’t caught on to the fact that someone had been over to notice. “We were just catching up, talking about shit, like old times. Don’t you miss how much fun we used to have?”

Yuudai found himself thinking back, way back, to the first couple of years they were together, and before he could stop himself, he nodded. It made Arata smile, a real smile, and Yuudai absolutely loathed how much it still affected him.

“See?” Arata laughed, a deep, rumbling belly laugh. “That doesn’t have to be gone, y’know? You just gotta look past everything, we can still have fun!” He threw his arm around Yuudai’s shoulders, and the blond sank down into the couch. “We should hang out a bit! No booze though, right? We’re not gonna make that mistake again.”

It had been good, once upon a time. Being alone was killing Yuudai and he desperately missed having the warmth of another person next to him, the companionship, the comfort. Every fiber of his being was telling Yuudai to get away, but the alcohol was dulling his senses, and Arata’s smile was blinding. He opened his mouth to tell the other to get lost, but what came out was simply “Okay.”

“See? I knew you’d come around, bud!” Satisfied, Arata stood, and stretched his arms above his head. The action made his jacket ride up a little, exposing a bit of skin, and Yuudai gulped. “I gotta head out, go to work. Sorry I can’t stay longer. I’ll hit you up later, alright?”

Blushing, Yuudai looked away, but nodded. Arata reached over to ruffle his hair again, and this time the skinny man didn’t pull away. “See you later, bud.” With that, Arata was gone.

The moment the door shut Yuudai let out a frustrated groan. He rolled over to lay on the couch, trying to ignore how the spot where Arata had been sitting was still a bit warm. “ _Shit,_ ” he hissed, fisting his hands into his hair and pulling at it. “ _Fucking disgusting._ ”


	3. Undisclosed Desires

Thursday passed by with no word from Arata, which actually made Yuudai antsier, so by the time Friday rolled around he was snapping at Jiro far more than was strictly necessary. Taro could be heard in the back viciously chopping at fish and Yuudai could swear he heard his name being hissed from time to time, but he was so irritated he didn’t give it a second though. He and Jiro bickered so frequently that he was just about ready to wring the younger man’s neck when there was a tap on his shoulder.

For once, Yuudai was relieved when he turned around and saw Arata. “Jiro, go do something in the back, alright?” Yuudai waved the other man away dismissively. Somewhere, deep down, he knew he was being irresponsible by sending his co-worker away so he could talk in relative private, but right now all reason was covered in a thick blanket of irritation. Without bothering to see that the other had actually left, he turned to Arata. “What do you want?”

Almost immediately Arata put up his hands in a placating gesture. “Woah, settle down there, bud. No need to jump down my throat. So that’s Jiro, eh?” He peered around Yuudai, trying to locate the youth, but Yuudai grabbed his shoulders and forced him back.

“It doesn’t matter. Why do you keep showing up at my work?”

“You weren’t answering my texts.”

Yuudai couldn’t stop the violent flinch his body reacted with, but Arata didn’t seem to notice. He blinked slowly. “Texts? That you sent recently?”

“Yup,” followed by a phone held in the air.

“Tch.” Yuudai’s lips twitched into a scowl and he crossed his arms. “I didn’t see, much less respond, because I was  _ at work.” _

“Hmm, guess so.” Arata was beginning to look bored. “Anyways, when you get off? Let’s grab something to eat, okay?”

“Uh, I can’t, actually, I have to…”

“Feed your cat?” A smirk crept across Arata’s face, and Yuudai’s scowl deepened. C’mon, it’s food, not clubbing. Which,” punctuated by a disturbingly excited smile, “we should do soon. Whatever, though. Isn’t there a new stall your boss opened? Sushi, or something? You probably get a discount, right?”

“NO!” Yuudai shouted, briefly drawing the attention of everyone nearby. Arata going to the sushi stall, and therefore seeing Shigeru, would be a disaster of unfathomable proportions. Plenty of their fights previously had been about the clueless man, and the last thing Yuudai needed was a fist fight breaking out in the middle of the fish market. “No, I, I don’t get a discount, and it’s pretty expensive, and it’s not very good, all their best stock goes here to the stall, and come on, I work around fish all day, and--”

“Hey, slow down bud!” Arata was actually laughing, which Yuudai figured was a better response than suspicion, even if it was at his expense. “I get it, no seafood!”

“A-alright.” Yuudai scratched at his neck sheepishly, blushing furiously.

A beat of silence. “So…?”

“R-right! I, uh, get off in an hour…”

“Then I’ll see you in an hour. Later, man!” With a wave, Arata was off.

Yuudai stared at the ground for a moment, trying to process what he had gotten himself into. As was slowly become a routine, he took a deep breath, shook his head and turned around.

Near the back of the store, Jiro was staring at him, frowning. Yuudai’s mood went south instantaneously, and he nearly growled. “Get back to work!” he barked, and Jiro went scurrying away.

 

* * *

 

They ended up at a cheap burger joint and sat in relative silence. Yuudai chewed on his food and stared at the window, while Arata’s eyes darted around, and he actually looked uncomfortable for once. “So, uh,” he began, scratching at the scruff on his chin. “How’ve you been?”

Yuudai slowly turned towards his dining partner and set his food down before shrugging. “Didn’t we catch up on Monday?”

“Well, you didn’t really leave a lot of room for talking, so no.”

The blush was instantaneous and Yuudai buried his face in his hands. “ _ Shit, _ ” he hissed,  silently cursing himself many times over. “Alright, whatever, it’s, normal, everything sucks, like usual.”

Arata laughed. “Oh, man, what a reaction! You’re not some blushing virgin, bud, drop the act.” This earned him a middle finger, which made him laugh harder.

“L-look, I gotta get this out of the way.” Yuudai unfolded himself from the table and tried his hardest to look confident.

“Hm?”

“This…” Yuudai gestured between the pair, “...this isn’t going to happen, alright? There’s no way in hell I’m ever getting back together with you, and I’m definitely not going to sleep with you.”

Arata narrowed his eyes. “Bud. I already told you I just wanted to hang out. If I wanted to get laid there’s plenty of other, better, more willing people I could go for. Don’t be so fucking conceited.”

Anger coursed through Yuudai like fire in his veins. “Maybe I wouldn’t feel like it needed to be said if you weren’t the portrait of a dog in heat.” The anger intensified when Arata actually smirked at that, like it was some kind of compliment.

“Alright, man, I get it.” He sighed, and leaned back in his chair. “But when you’re fucking climbing all over me I’m not gonna pass up a free meal, yeah?”

Yuudai scowled before swiping some more food off his tray and shoveling it into his mouth. Arata chuckled a bit before taking another bite of his food as well.

“You have tomorrow off, right?”

“Hmm?” Yuudai quickly swallowed and took a swig of his drink. “No… the fish market is closed Sundays and uh, usually on Wednesdays?”

“Wednesday then.”

“Wednesday… what?”

“Wanna go to the zoo?”

Yuudai was looking at Arata like he was insane. “The… zoo…?”

“Hey, hey, don’t look at me like that! It’s hard to come up with stuff that doesn’t involve drinking! You loved the zoo, right?”

_ When I was 19, _ Yuudai choked back. “Uh… sure…?” The zoo was pretty cheap after all, and nearby. Most attractively, it wasn’t somewhere where Yuudai could end up drunk. Well… not if he started there, anyways.

Wait, why was he agreeing to go to the zoo with his ex in the first place?

“Alright!” Arata clapped his hands together and the sharp sound made Yuudai drop his food in surprise. “It’s a date, then! ...a friend date, anyways.”

The meal ended soon, with the pair talking on and off throughout the remainder. Once finished, they set off for the train station, and Yuudai was finding himself relaxing despite his instincts telling him otherwise. It… was sort of nice, having someone to just talk to, even if it was about bullshit, and  _ to _ a piece of shit. The background noise of the city was soothing, from the chatter of conversations to the rumbling of cars and the puttering of a nearby moped. Gradually, the puttering grew louder, and faint shouts and screams could be heard along with the screeching of breaks from time to time.

Arata grimaced. “Who the fuck is that asshole on the scooter?”

“Whoever it is, they’re driving like a maniac,” Yuudai muttered. As if on cue, the noise arrived, and a beat up moped swerved up onto the sidewalk in front of them, cutting them off. Arata swore, but Yuudai was filled with a feeling of dread.  _ Please don’t be… _

“Yuudaaaaai!” the psycho shouted, ripping off the helmet and setting the unruly black hair free. Taisei leapt off the ‘parked’ vehicle and dashed up to Yuudai, enveloping him in a crushing hug.

“G-get off!” the blonde squeaked, heat rising to his cheeks. “W-what are you doing?!”

“You never replied to any of my texts!” Taisei obliged, setting the smaller man down and stepping back, a frown on his face. “Is your phone broken? Do you need a new one?”

“Um, no, it’s fine, it just, the battery died?”

“Oh no! That’s awful!” The exaggerated frown on the giant’s face was rather comical, as if someone had just told him the world was ending.

Arata coughed. “This someone you know, Yuudai?”

“Oops!” Taisei jumped back, noticing the third person for the time. “I’m Taisei Tachibana!” He stuck out a hand for a shake.

“Arata Tasaki,” came the reply, and his hand was grabbed.

“Gahaha, wow! What a strong grip! Amazing!”

Yuudai contemplated kicking Arata in the shins, but the man in question had the beginnings of a dangerous look on his face so he settled on separating the two as fast as possible. An arm was thrown around his shoulders and he wondered if his job was about to be done for him.

“Look bud, sorry, we’re kind of in the middle of something. You guys can catch up later, right?” Normally Yuudai would have fought when Arata pulled him in closer, but whatever got rid of Taisei the fastest worked for him at the moment. “Let’s go, okay?” The last part was directed at the blonde, who nodded.

“Sorry Taisei! I’ll see you later?” Yuudai was lying again, and the look on Taisei’s face made his heart hurt, but they needed to leave before Arata got wound up. He waved, then let Arata pull him away.

“Yuudai?” The pair ignored the taller man, and Arata didn’t remove his arm until they reached the train station and parted ways.

 

* * *

 

The days went by in relative peace, and Yuudai found his mood slowly being lifted. More often than not Arata would show up after work and, true to his word, they would just… hang out. Sometimes they talked, sometimes they’d watch some trashy TV show and laugh, and sometimes they’d lay on the floor and try their hardest to make Hime run in circles with excitement. Soon enough, it was Tuesday, the day before the zoo, and just as expected there was a knocking on Yuudai’s door, though more restrained than usual. He walked over, opened the door, and there he was; an older man with shaggy black hair, a bit of a beard, and… missing a couple fingers on his raised hand?

Yuudai slammed the door shut, unable to catch himself in time. Hime mowed off near the couch and he heard a loud sigh from the other side.

“Yuudai,” Shigeru drawled, “I brought smokes.”

That was a tempting offer for sure. Yuudai had been spending a bit more money than usual with Arata, and it had been quite a while since he had had a cigarette. Eventually, the desire won out and he opened the door again, refusing to look the man in the eye.

Wordlessly, Yuudai shrugged on his jacket and went out on the porch, still remembering the routine from many months ago. After taking off his shoes and giving Hime the required head scratch, Shigeru joined him, lighting a cigarette and handing it over before lighting his own. Yuudai took a long drag, then sighed.

“Y’know,” Shigeru began, “I’m still givin’ you all the space you need, an’ that ain’t why I’m here t’night.”

In the middle of a drag, Yuudai sucked the smoke down the wrong pipe and coughed; his old friend certainly wasn’t beating around the bush. “T-then why?”

“S’about Arata.”

Yuudai’s blood ran cold.  _ How did he know? _

“Yer prob’bly wonderin’ how I know, aren’tcha?” A small smile played across the older man’s face, and he finally turned to Yuudai. “Well, y’might not think much’a Jiro, but the little guy notices things. He an’ Taro came by th’ shop talkin’ about it.”

“Did… did you tell them anything?” Yuudai’s eyes were wide and he was certainly looking at Shigeru now.

“C’mon man, f’course I didn’t. It ain’t hard to figur’ out when someone’s talkin’ about that guy. You alright?”

A sharp pain went through Yuudai’s heart. He had been avoiding Shigeru for nearly a year, and he had every right to hate Yuudai at this point. Instead, he was clearly still worried about him. “I… yeah, it’s fine.”

“He’s not forcin’ you t’do anythin’, right?”

Yuudai laughed sharply. “No, he’s… fine? Man, I’ve been a huge dick, haven’t I?”

“Hmm?” Mild surprise crossed Shigeru’s face, and he lowered his cigarette.

“I’ve been actively brushing you off for like a year, and here you are still being nice to me. If I were you, I’d want nothing to do with me.”

“C’mon, you were a bit… fragil’? Arata did a number on yah. Yah need sum space, I get it.” A quiet moment passed between the two, and Yuudai took another long drag. “You shouldn’t b’hangin’ out wit’em, though.”

“Yeah, I… I know.” Yuudai sighed again. “But he’s not doing anything weird, and he’s so damn persistent, and… I hate it, but it’s almost… nice.”

Now Shigeru frowned. “He put yah in th’ hospital.”

“If he does anything funny I’m sending him packing.”

“What if it’s too late?” Yuudai looked down at the ground, and Shigeru sighed. “Yer an adult, I ain’t gonna tell yah what t’do. If yah need help though, yah can always ask.”

“...thanks.” Yuudai felt like total shit now. Shigeru was so unbelievably kind. He didn’t deserve a friend like that.

“Oh! That reminds’me.” Shigeru flipped around so he was leaning over the railing like Yuudai. “Y’can’t keep avoidin’... that tall guy, Jiro’s pet or somethin’.”

“...Taisei?” The change of subject caught Yuudai off guard, and he definitely wasn’t expecting to talk about the other person he was desperately avoiding.

“Yeah. Apparently he’s mopin’ around, and if he gets too upset, Taro’s gonna come for yah.”

“Great,” Yuudai deadpanned. “One thing at a time, alright?” Shigeru laughed at that, and then the two stopped talking, finishing their cigarettes in peace and staring into the starry night sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk how shigeru's accent works rip


	4. Map of the Problematique

They arrived at the zoo a couple hours after it had opened. Being a weekday, it wasn’t very crowded, and they had no trouble getting right up front at all the animal pens. Arata… seemed unusually happy, laughing at almost every animal he saw, and Yuudai was starting to think his companion had completely lost his mind. His cheer never seemed to die down, and his energy was sky high as well; Yuudai was mostly dragged throughout the zoo, and he just went along with it. The duo zipped through the animals at a frantic pace, and mid-direction, Yuudai found himself jerked away and shoved into a building. A gift shop? What had Arata seen in here?

A quick glance revealed their destination- hats. Of course it was hats. Arata had placed them next to a tall rack filled with all sorts of novelty hats, the vast majority of which were simply the various limbs of the animal in question pasted onto a snapback. Yuudai had never really understood why his ex had such a strong affinity for hats of all variety. At his home, he had a large collection, but he almost never wore anything other than his favorite. The hat in question was soon deposited on Yuudai’s head with a “Here, hold this,” from Arata.

Before grabbing a new hat off the rack, Arata glanced Yuudai’s way, and smiled. “Still looks good on you.” Yuudai blushed deeply and tried to pull up his collar to hide his face, but Arata had already turned away, perusing the various caps. After a moment he plucked one off the rack; a rhino hat, with a huge, pointed horn emerging from the front. Satisfied, he placed it on his head, and pulled it down over his curls. “So?” he asked, turning back to Yuudai. “How does it look?”

It looked ridiculous. The hat was smaller than Arata’s and his hair poofed out from the bottom rather comically, and the horn was sagging to the side. Yuudai snorted, trying to choke down a laugh. Laughing, Arata swapped out the hat, selecting a dark green one decorated with huge snake eyes and a floppy red forked tongue. Once it was on, he narrowed his eyes and actually  _ hissed. _ “C’mon man, what the hell are you doing?” Yuudai whispered, hiding his smile behind a hand.

“Look at how stupid these things look!” Arata changed the hat again, selecting a brown one made up to look like a macaque. “How about it? Do I look like a monkey?” He made little ‘ook ook’ noises, and  _ now  _ Yuudai was actually laughing. “Here, try this one on!” The hat on Yuudai’s head was lifted off and an unseen one was dropped in it’s place. Obediently, Yuudai tugged it on, feeling small, rounded ears and a tufty mane. A lion hat?

Arata pretended to study Yuudai very seriously before giving a thumbs up, and that set both men off again. They cycled through the hats for a while, cackling, before finally stumbling out of the gift shop after getting an angry look from the clerk. They stopped to catch their breath for a minute and then they were off again, Yuudai being led around by Arata.

Eventually they approached the african animals exhibit. The giraffes looked oddly familiar to Yuudai, though he couldn’t quite place why. A strange sign was posted next to the area;  _ Please do not throw clothing items into the living enclosures _ .

_ Oh.  _ Now he remembered why that one giraffe looked especially familiar. Yuudai tried to casually peer over the railing and spot his shirt, but it was nowhere to be found.

“What the hell is that sign about?” Arata laughed. “Who throws clothes at a fucking giraffe?”

“Who knows?” Yuudai laughed nervously. “Uh, hey, let’s go look at those things!” He wandered towards the next exhibit, and when he glanced back to see if Arata was following he noticed a strange, almost delighted look on his face. “...Arata?”

“Oh man! I love these things!” Arata went barreling past Yuudai to get a spot at the railing at the next exhibit;  _ Okapi _ , the sign read. “Look at ‘em! They’re so fucked up looking! Are these fucking zebra deer or something? What the hell is wrong with them?!”

The Okapi looked up at Arata at the man’s outburst, and it just made him laugh harder. Yuudai wasn’t sure how to react; Arata was actually acting pretty childish now, which wasn’t really like him. What the hell was going on? Did he gain a sudden love for zoos in the year they hadn’t seen each other? It was unsettling, to say the least.

“Look! It’s eating something! Look at it’s fucking  _ tongue!” _ Yuudai looked over; the animal, was, in fact, eating some leaves it was plucking off a tree with it’s long tongue. Arata turned around, smirking. “Can you imagine what it’d be like if humans had longass tongues like that?”

Yuudai turned and walked away, and Arata jogged behind him, cackling. While the question had seemed innocent enough, coming from someone like Arata, there were plenty of unspoken insinuations.

They followed the path further, passing through the Vivarium, and stopping at the lemurs. Arata seemed pretty taken with the aye-ayes, laughing every time one turned towards them and revealed it’s huge round eyes. He didn’t want to admit it, but Yuudai was quite fond of them as well. Casually, he made his way right up to the glass, and found one of the creatures looking at him. They stared at each other for a while, until Arata came up and rapped on the glass, sending it scurrying away. “First Hime, now these things? Do you attract shit with googly eyes or something?” Arata asked, laughing.

A certain person came to mind, tall, thin, with huge, round eyes hidden behind dark bangs… it was time to leave the lemur area.

Next was a huge pond, and the path soon dead-ended, blocked by construction. A large enclosure sat next to the pond, filled with beautiful white storks. On occasion one would spread its mighty wings, revealing bold black feathers on the end. The area was free of people; not many seemed to want to travel out to the dead end for a single exhibit. Arata and Yuudai leaned on the railing, watching the birds mill about.

“Are these the birds that bring good luck if you see ‘em?” Arata wondered aloud.

“No,” Yuudai answered, sighing. “These are storks. You’re thinking of the Japanese Crane.”

“Hmm.” Arata didn’t seem too phased by the revelation. “These are pretty cool anyways. Kinda remind me of someone.”

“Oh?” Yuudai could tell where this was going but decided to humor Arata.

“They’re real tall and skinny, with those bony-ass legs.” The blonde groaned at the pointed look the other gave him. “Kinda loud, always around fish. You feel me?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m the skinny-ass bird, I get it,” Yuudai grumbled, but Arata continued.

“They look kinda plain just standing there… it’s just a fucking white bird. If you look closer though they’re kinda cool looking, and when they spread their wings… you finally see how beautiful they really are.”

_ Holy shit. _ Yuudai turned away immediately, face beet red.  _ Did he seriously just say that? _ Refusing to say anything, Yuudai stared at the birds, and after a while a strong hand playfully ruffled his hair.

It got later, and the pair made their way back through the zoo. They stopped by at some exhibits again, watching the animals in relative silence now that the crowds had left. As they neared the entrance, they stopped by the pandas again. Arata leaned over the railing, frowning at the bears, who sat around not really doing much of anything. “Aren’t these things going extinct because they won’t fuck?”

“Sort of…?” Yuudai didn’t really expect Arata to have a firm grasp on the conservation status of the panda, but he wasn’t exactly wrong either.

“How lame,” Arata muttered. “They don’t know how to have fun at all.” Yuudai didn't dignify that with a response.

It was starting to near closing time and Yuudai could hardly believe they had wasted four hours just generally dicking around. Both of them sat at a bench, sipping at an overpriced drink. Arata was silent, his arm thrown across the back of the bench behind Yuudai, who was fidgeting. He finally couldn’t take it anymore and opened his mouth. “What’s with you today?”

“Hmm?” Arata raised an eyebrow, but he set his drink down.

“You’re… really energetic.” Yuudai frowned, trying to figure out how to word it. “Like a kid in a candy shop.”

“I dunno, man.” The older man shrugged. “I’m just in a really good mood. Have been since I woke up.” That explained absolutely nothing, and Yuudai was about ready to drop it, but Arata kept talking. “Maybe I kinda missed this? Just hanging out with you.”

That stirred up something inside of Yuudai, and if he had been any younger, he might have let it affect him. Nothing good would come of getting back together. The sweet words and happy times would turn to rage and misery just like before. He was in dangerous waters, and maybe Shigeru had been right. Part of him wanted to go off on Arata right then and there, yell at him about how  _ he  _ had been the one to fuck those up the first time, ruin all the happy memories, but Yuudai knew he wasn’t entirely free of blame. They needed to talk if this had a chance of working, about everything, like adults. But this wasn’t the time. “I guess it was pretty fun,” was all Yuudai said, not untruthfully.

“Yeah, see? I told you it would be fun! We still have a lot in common.” Arata smiled at Yuudai, and the blonde finally had to admit something he had been trying to ignore all day; Arata was flirting with him.

His ex hadn’t exactly been subtle about it, but Yuudai had stupidly thought that if he ignored it, it would just go away. He should have known that telling Arata he didn’t have a chance wouldn’t stop him in the slightest, and although he hated it, Arata absolutely still affected him. Over the year they hadn’t seen each other, Arata hadn’t really changed much, even putting on a little bit  _ more _ muscle if anything. The older man was every bit as attractive as he had been when they had first met. The only real thing keeping Yuudai in check were the painful memories and the pure unbridled  _ rage _ he would always hold towards the other man.

Five years of a romantic relationship couldn’t just be swept under the rug, particularly one as volatile and dangerous as theirs had been. It wasn’t like they had even hung out as friends before; the gap between ‘strangers’ and ‘boyfriends’ had been alarmingly short. Yuudai simply didn’t know how to spend time with Arata without dating him, and it was clear that his ex didn’t even want to try. Even though the past few days had been relatively innocuous, Arata was always a little to close, a little  _ too _ playful. The revelation hit Yuudai like a bullet; it wasn’t going to work. 

Well, at least he had given it a shot. “We should get going.”

Beside him, Arata finished his drink, and tossed it into the garbage can. “You wanna head out?” Yuudai nodded, and they stood up.

On the way out, Arata spotted a purikura booth, and Yuudai found himself being dragged inside. “Just one!” he said, and Yuudai, somehow, relented.

The camera flashed once, and Yuudai was caught off guard, not remotely ready for it. Arata pulled some ridiculous face for the second picture, and the third was both men laughing.

As the camera flashed a fourth and final time, Arata leaned over and kissed Yuudai.

Yuudai immediately pushed Arata away. “What the FUCK, dude?” He sprang up and left the picture booth, ignoring Arata’s outstretched arm and pleading eyes.  _ That’s it. I’m fucking done with this.  _ He stomped out of the zoo and towards the train station, deciding to take a different route home, one where he had no chance of running into Arata.  _ I shouldn’t have trusted him. _ Fuming, Yuudai went home alone. 


	5. Hysteria

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm adding more content tags to this story that I forgot initially, so check them out before reading if you haven't already.

_ hey _ the first text read. It was Saturday, and Yuudai was honestly surprised Arata had waited that long. Predictably, the phone buzzed again, and against his better judgment, Yuudai flipped it open to read the incoming string of texts.

_ sry man  _ came next, followed by  _ i fked up _ and  _ just gt caughtt up in the moment lol _

“Like hell you did,” Yuudai grumbled, but there was more.

_ dum impulse right lol _ then  _ u free tonite  _ and  _ we shud go to a club _

_ What the fuck?  _ Yuudai stared at the texts, open mouthed. Was he being serious?

_ u kno that gud 1 _ and  _ lots of guys ;) _

“Hime.” There was an answering mow as Yuudai turned to his cat for advice. “How should I tell him to fuck off?” He scratched her fur and she started to purr. “Hmm, good idea.”

_ I shouldn’t go with you at all, not after Wednesday.  _ Yuudai replied. The answer was immediate.

_ i said sry  _ then  _ i didnt mean 2 _ then  _ cmon itd be fun _ and  _ we can help each other out huh _

It was such a blatant lie that Yuudai had to laugh.  _ Alright, fine. This is your last chance though, okay? _

_ haha awesum _ and  _ b rdy in 1 hour? _

“Sure,” Yuudai dictated, sending a similar text. “I can’t wait.”

Satisfied, he picked Hime up and stared into her eyes. “Oh I’ll go to the club with him. Then I’ll ditch him and leave with someone else!” He cackled, but cut it short as his eyes flicked down to his stick-thin frame hidden underneath baggy, tattered clothes. As far as he was aware, the starving vagrant look wasn’t exactly in right now. When he curled and extended his fingers, the movements of the bones and joints were clearly visible through his skin, and Yuudai frowned. Well, if he wasn’t able find a decent guy, he’d just leave anyways and lie to Arata. Hopefully the pest would get the message and leave him alone after this.

Hime stuck out her tongue and swiped at Yuudai’s cheek. “Aww, thanks princess! Daddy is glad you support him.” Grinning, he set the cat down and set off for his wardrobe. The clothes, at least, he could remedy.  _ I think I still have some of my old stuff around here somewhere… _

True to his word, Arata showed up around an hour later, and upon seeing Yuudai he gave him a once-over before letting a lecherous grin spread across his face. It’s not like Yuudai had worn anything particularly flattering, just… clothes that actually somewhat fit him for once. Even then, they still hung loosely in places, and for a brief moment Yuudai was painfully aware of how thin he had actually become. Shaking it off, the blonde scowled at Arata, who actually said “LOL,” before pushing past him, locking his door and heading for the train station.

Only once they were at the club did Yuudai remember how much he didn’t like it. The music was deafening, the lights were blinding, and the stench of sweat permeated the air. Arata tried desperately to drag Yuudai into the crowd to dance, but the blond repeatedly rebuffed him until he gave up and went out alone, leaving Yuudai in peace. Relative peace. Already regretting his ‘genius plan’, Yuudai took a seat at the bar, nursing a beer.

As the night went on the bartender shot Yuudai increasingly irritated looks, as he was taking up valuable real estate with his single drink and mopey attitude. Yuudai scowled right back at the man, but the guilt started to eat at him, so he stood up and took his half empty bottle elsewhere. A somewhat empty wall gave him somewhere to lean, and he stared out into the crowd, taking tiny sips every so often. From time to time he spotted Arata in the throng of people, and he hated how easily he could still locate the other man. He seemed to be enjoying himself, dancing with many different people, typically much closer than was strictly necessary. Yuudai scowled- what a nympho.

“Hey.” A voice startled Yuudai out of his reverie. Someone was standing in front of him; a guy a bit shorter than the blonde, with short red hair and a lean build. “You by yourself?”

_ Smile _ , Yuudai told himself, struggling to remember how. Half fish market stall, half faded memories of happier times. Whatever face he ended up making seemed to work, and the stranger relaxed slightly. “I am.”

“It must be my lucky day then.” Yuudai fought back a wince; the guy was laying it on pretty thick. Definitely not his type, but it wasn’t really like it mattered. “Can I buy you a drink?”

“Be my guest,” Yuudai replied with a coy smile, trying his hardest to flirt. How did it work again? Don’t wanna blow it with the one guy who might actually be  _ into _ him.

The stranger motioned to the bar, and Yuudai followed him over. “Wait here a sec.” A few feet away the redhead had stopped and held up a finger, signalling for Yuudai to wait. While the man was ordering at the bar, Yuudai turned back to the crowd; no sign of Arata, no glimpse of his stupid hat in the sea of dancers. Perfect.

“Here you go.” He was handed a drink with a smile, one that was still being stirred by the toothpick inside. “It’s better mixed.” Tentatively, Yuudai took a sip. It was actually pretty good, though a bit strong. Very fruity.

“Thanks.” Another sip. The more he drank, the better it tasted. “Damn, this is good. What is it?”

“It’s a secret.” The man help a finger up to his lips in a shushing gesture and winked, and Yuudai laughed easily. They chatted for a while near a table, talking about nothing, casually flirting the whole time. Little touches on his arms and shoulders came after stupid jokes, and Yuudai laughed harder and harder at each successive one, careful not to overdo it. Before he noticed the stranger’s arm was around him, and warmth and comfort radiated from the limb. Usually, Yuudai would jump away at the slightest touch, but he found himself relaxing into it, relishing the heat.

Man, he really wanted to know what this drink was. It made his whole body tingly, and he couldn’t stop smiling. The music faded to a gentle pulsing, and the air around felt like fire on his skin. Soon, the warmth was too much, overpowering and sticky. “God, it’s hot in here,” Yuudai muttered, gulping down the last of the beverage before stretching and setting the glass on the table. Irritated, he pulled at his collar, trying to fan himself. The heat remained.

“Yeah, it kinda is,” the stranger agreed, smoothly letting his arm slide from Yuudai’s shoulder to rest at his hip, leaving a trail of fire. “Too many people. Wanna go somewhere a bit cooler?” He leaned in, his lips nearly touching the blonde’s ear. “Those clothes seem like they are making you quite uncomfortable.”

Yuudai shivered. His mind was a haze. This was going to well, too fast, but he simply felt relaxed and wonderful. What could this hurt? After all, his plan had been to ditch Arata, hadn’t it? Why not have some fun while he was at it? “...Sounds perfect.”

A laugh from the stranger, bordering on relieved. “Good. Let’s get out of here.” He grabbed Yuudai’s hand and the touch shot through his body. The blonde let himself be led away from the bar and the music, and they were nearly at the exit when a strong hand seized his shoulder and jerked him back.

“Yuudai,” a deep voice growled, and when he turned, there was Arata.

“Hey, who do you think you are?” the stranger bit back, taking a step towards him.

“His boyfriend.”

Yuudai laughed, harshly. “Man, what the hell? No you aren’t! What are you talking about?”

“Is he bothering you?” the stranger asked, motioning towards Arata.

“You have no idea,” Yuudai giggled, struck by the absurdity of the question. Arata? Bothering  _ him? _ Like that needed to be pointed out.

“Get the fuck away from him,” Arata hissed, and he actually bared his teeth and the shorter man.

“Yeah? Or what?”

And then, before he had even finished his sentence, Arata punched him square in the face.

“Wha-?” Yuudai stammered. “What the hell? Did you just hit him?”

“Learn your fucking place,” Arata spat at the stranger, shaking his previously fisted hand. “We’re leaving, now,” he ordered, and he dragged Yuudai out of the club.

“PSYCHO!” the stranger shouted, holding his reddening cheek.

“Hey, let go of me, what are you doing?” Yuudai pulled at the fingers gripping his wrist with bruising force, trying to pry them loose. The heat was still there, mixing with the pain.

Arata ignored the blonde’s pleading, continuing to pull him other along. “Shut the fuck up.”

“What is your problem?” It was hard to keep his thoughts straight and Yuudai felt far away, almost as if he was watching himself on a movie screen. “Did a bug fly up your ass or something?” Immediately, Yuudai found himself laughing at his own bad joke.

“ _ Shut. Up. _ ”

“Why should I?” Yuudai taunted.

Suddenly, Arata whipped around and shoved Yuudai into a wall. He had his arms braced on either side of the younger’s head, and the look on his face made Yuudai’s jaw fly shut. “I said  _ shut up! _ ”

Shaken, Yuudai let himself be walked around. One of the reasons this club had been a favorite was because it was within walking distance of Arata’s apartment, so it was easy enough for the pair to stumble home after a long night. This time, instead of feeling like he was escaping to safety, Yuudai felt like he was being lead to the executioner.

Arata ripped his keys out of his pocket, threw open the door, pushed Yuudai inside and then slammed it shut. A sharp click; the door was locked. On autopilot, Yuudai managed to shuck off his shoes before Arata practically threw him into the bedroom, and then literally threw him onto the bed.

“What are you…” Yuudai felt a bit dizzy, and it took a second for his eyes to readjust after he fell onto the mattress. Arata said nothing, but in a flash he was on the bed, pulling off his shirt on one smooth motion. Panicking, Yuudai tried to scoot back to escape, but only succeeded in trapping himself, back against the wall.

“Were you gonna fuck that guy?” Arata spat, following Yuudai up the bed.

“Why does it even matter?” Yuudai squeaked out, terrified.

“You only came with me to get laid, didn’t you?”

“B-but you were the one who said-”

“If you just wanna fuck it shouldn’t matter who it’s with, right?”

“I mean it matters a  _ little- _ ” but then Arata was on top of him, pinning him in place with his legs.

“I don’t think it fucking does, you whore.”

Yuudai stiffened. “You’re one to fucking talk,” and it was out of his mouth before he could stop himself.

Arata fell silent. “You know,” he finally said, very slowly. “I can think of a much better use for that loud mouth of yours.” He undid the zipper of his jeans and pushed them down a bit. “You should remember how to do this, bud.”

Eyes wide, Yuudai could only watch as Arata pulled out his cock. The older man gave it a few tugs and it was soon fully hard. It was bigger than Yuudai remembered-  _ not as big as Shigeru _ , and of course he had to think of that NOW- and despite himself, a shiver ran through his body.

“C’mon, get on your fucking knees,” Arata sneered. Obediently, Yuudai knelt before the larger man, peering down at his dick. “Open wide. Oh, and if you even fucking  _ think _ about biting, maybe I’ll give you another scar.”

Hesitantly, Yuudai opened his mouth. He knew better than to fight Arata; when it came to physical power, there was no way he could win. The man moved back, forcing Yuudai to stretch out to meet him, until the blonde was forced to be on all fours. Satisfied with their positions, Arata pushed his dick forward, the head barely touching Yuudai’s lips. It tasted salty and disgustingly familiar. He flicked his tongue out, running it around the flesh.

“Hurry the fuck up,” Arata growled, then seized the back of Yuudai’s head and shoved his cock down his throat.

_ Relax, _ Yuudai thought desperately, trying not to gag.  _ Relax, you’ve done this before, it’ll be worse if you don’t. Get it over with. _ The dick completely filled his mouth, stretching out his lips and choking off his breath.  _ Breathe through your nose. _

Impatient, Arata began doing the work for Yuudai, violently fucking his mouth. “I know you’re good at this,” he grunted. “Do it right.”

_ It’d be easier if you let me do anything,  _ but the man wasn’t easing up. Instead he knelt over the slender frame, roughly grabbing the blonde’s ass and squeezing. Even with his mouth full Yuudai couldn’t hide the yelp; it felt  intense and he couldn’t figure out _why_.

“Haha, man, are you fucking getting hard? If this getting you off?” Sneering, Arata reached between the other’s legs, brushing his fingers along his crotch. He massaged the area encouragingly. “It is, you little slut!”

Everything seemed fuzzy, and all Yuudai could feel was the hand rubbing at his erection and the dick thrusting in his mouth. Arata was right, Yuudai WAS getting hard, and while he hated himself for it, it all felt so fucking  _ good. _ The hand on his hair loosened slightly and the thrusting became more erratic, and Arata uttered a string of curses. “Fuck, still, fucking good,  _ fuck _ Yuudai-” and then he came.

The cum shot down Yuudai’s throat. He wanted to cough, to spit it out, but it just kept coming, and Yuudai gulped it down to keep from suffocating. “That’s right, fucking swallow it all. Clean it up, you bitch.” Finally spent, Arata pulled out, and it was finally over.

Except Arata roughly flipped the blonde over, spinning him until his head rested on the pillows. He grabbed Yuudai through his pants, and the blonde keened. He tried to roll over to avoid the touch, but Arata settled his whole body weight on top of the skinnier man, and soon he had his pants undone and a hand around his cock. “Got a little problem here?” he whispered tauntingly in the other man’s ear.

“G-get off,” Yuudai retaliated weakly, trying to bite back a moan. It was just a fucking  _ hand _ but it felt like the best thing in the whole fucking world right now.

“Already did,” Arata laughed, and squeezed. Yuudai shuddered, and involuntarily bucked forwards into Arata’s fist. “I’m a nice guy, though. I’ll help you out.”

_ Please don’t.  _ The words went unspoken and Arata started to stroke.

It was fast and messy, Arata jerking Yuudai off until he came on the sheets. The orgasm hit him like a truck, and his vision momentarily went white. “ _ Good boy,”  _ he heard whispered in his ear, and then he drifted off into unconsciousness.


	6. Time is Running Out

Yuudai woke slowly, a piercing pain in his head and an awful taste in his mouth. The light peeking through the slats was blinding, and he hissed and tried to roll away from the glare, only to slip off the bed entirely and crash to the floor with a shout.  _ Figures, _ he grumbled, and he laid there and stared at the ground, noticing it looked a bit… different. Now that he took a closer look, the bed was odd as well, primarily in the fact that it existed. Finally propping himself up, he examined his surroundings, clarity hitting him like a ton of bricks; this was, again, Arata’s room.

Carefully, he peeked back over the edge of the bed; no one. A quick pat confirmed that he was still clothed, and while he felt like shit, it felt more like the sort that came about from a really wild night of partying, not another mistaken hook-up with your ex. They had gone out to a club, but what happened after that?

A soft knock at the bedroom door startled Yuudai out of his reverie. “You awake?” Arata asked, voice quiet. “You fall off the bed?”

“...yeah,” Yuudai responded, answering both questions at once. A chuckle came from the other side of the door.

“Can I come in?”

It was an unusually thoughtful gesture. Arata never really seemed to give a shit about Yuudai’s boundaries before, but better late than never. “Sure.”

The door opened. Arata was in a white wifebeater and pajama pants, and his bedhead seemed to indicate he had crashed on the couch. What the hell was going on? “Look, about last night…”

Yuudai’s headache spiked and he rubbed his forehead. “What the hell happened? I feel like someone is driving nails into my brain.”

Arata stiffened. “You don’t remember anything?”

“Not really, no.”

“You…” He ran a hand through his hair, trying and failing to organize the wild curls. “Hm. I think you were drinking some seriously hard shit.”

“What?” Yuudai frowned; he knew his alcohol tolerance was hilariously low, so he would never go for anything other than beer. “Like, Soju?”

“Like vodka,” Arata corrected. After a sigh, he made his way into the room and sat on the edge of the bed. “I don’t know. You were with some guy, and I would have left you alone, but you seemed pretty fuckin’ gone. Could barely walk.”

“Vodka? What the hell? Was I trying to kill myself or something?” The ‘plan’ came rushing back. Great. He had probably let some random person buy him a drink and downed it without thinking. Instead of ditching Arata, he had managed to get saved by him instead. Flawless.

“I dunno, bud. Just grabbed you and left before you ended up in a ditch somewhere. Let you sleep it off.”

“Well… thanks.” What a piece of work. Yuudai was never going out ever again, especially if he was prone to fucking up this spectacularly.

“Don’t worry about it.” The man stood and stretched, arching his back with his hands above his head. “I’m gonna grab you some water and asprin. Neither of us work so just take it easy, right?”

Yuudai nodded, and as soon as Arata was out of the room he wrapped his head in the blankets and groaned. Maybe, if he tried hard enough, he could bury himself into the sheets so deeply he would simply fade out of existence.

 

* * *

 

 

Monday was hell. Yuudai was quiet all day, still tired from two days previous. Strange dreams had disrupted his sleep, full of flashes of red, bright lights, and a burning heat. He had woken up drenched in sweat and not feeling the slightest bit rested. Instead of harassing Jiro, he opted to simply ignore the younger man, leaving him to the front register as he organized the stall’s stock. Even Mura had shot him a weird look as he accepted the wares without protest. The last thing he needed was more excitement in his life.

Every time he passed by Taro, the short man glared fiercely at him, but he brushed it off and went on with his day.

Arriving home and laying on couch with Hime was incredibly soothing, and he only got one text from Arata-  _ u feel better- _ and he felt obligated to reply. At least tomorrow he only had to work with the older Sakana.

More dreams, nightmares almost, plagued his sleep, and he once more woke up tired.

Tuesday the exhaustion manifested as irritation. He spent a good fifteen minutes screaming at Mura, who eventually sped off so quickly and violently he actually crashed into the side of another stall. Taro could be heard butchering fish with reckless abandon. As hard as Yuudai tried to put on a smile for the customers, several people scurried away from the stall at the sight of him, and his mood worsened as the day went on. Finally, it was around midday, the morning rush over, and he poked his head between the curtains, into Taro’s area.

“Taro,” he announced, spying the man chopping at the counter. “I need to go on my break. Keep an eye on the front, will you?”

“Break time? Perfect.” Without hesitation, Taro shot forwards, grabbed Yuudai, and wrenched him back into the butcher’s domain.

“Can I fucking help you?!” Yuudai cried out, but immediately fell silent when a large knife was driven into the wall inches away from his head.

“Today,” Taro hissed, eyes narrowed, “Taisei is going to come by the stall at the end of the day. You are going to talk to him, and you are going to stop avoiding him, and if you want nothing to do with him you are going to tell him like an adult so he’ll stop trudging around like someone just told him santa wasn’t real. Do I make myself clear?”

“C-crystal.” Yuudai swallowed hard, shaking like a leaf.

Taro wrestled the bloody knife out of the wall and walked over to the sink to rinse it off. “Good. Enjoy your break.”

Yuudai slinked out of the stall, wondering what would happen if he just never came back to work at all.

The end of the day rolled around, and sure enough, Yuudai spotted Taisei approaching. He glanced towards the back automatically and jumped when he saw Taro peering through the curtains, brandishing a knife. An escape was out of the question, then. He closed the register instead, tallying up the sales of the day in a futile effort to put the awkward meeting off.

“H-hello,” Taisei squeaked, shifting back and forth nervously.

“Hey,” Yuudai replied, still focusing on the register.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m closing the register. It’ll just take me another minute.” Taisei seemed to understand, and was quiet until the drawer and money was safely counted and locked away. “Alright, finished.”

An uncomfortable silence hung between the two men, finally being broken by, unsurprisingly, Taisei. “Um, that guy you were with the other day…”

“Arata?” Yuudai supplied, and Taisei nodded quickly.

“I’m sorry if I’ve been bugging you, I didn’t realize you were seeing someone, I just kept butting in without thinking about if I was putting you in an awkward position, I know telling someone to get lost can be hard, but--”

“Wait, hold on.” Yuudai held up a hand to silence the taller man. Well, this wasn’t remotely the conversation he had been expecting to have, and it caught him by surprise. What on earth was Taisei trying to say? “No, me and Arata, we’re not dating or anything, if that’s what you’re getting at,” and he flushed when he saw that Taisei actually perked up at that.  _ Don’t misinterpret this _ , he chastised.  _ There’s no way in hell he’d be interested in someone like you. _

“Really? I just thought he might have been with the way you guys walked off, I’m sorry! Have I been bothering you?”

_ Say yes, _ Yuudai prompted, so of course he said no. Taisei flat out grinned at that, and Yuudai felt his heartbeat pick up.  _ Damn it. _

“Oh! But, why haven’t you responded to any of my texts?”

“Texts?” Yuudai frowned, and he pulled out his phone. When he flipped it open it went right to the messages with Arata, where he only now realized it had remained for nearly a week. He backed out of the conversation, and sure enough, there were plenty of other text notifications. “...oh.”

Taisei laughed uproariously. “You didn’t even see? How silly! How did you manage to miss them all?”

If Yuudai was being honest… every time his phone had buzzed, he simply assumed it was Arata. In the past, that had been mostly true, and it’s not like he had actually bothered to keep track of how many times his phone went off and how many messages he had actually gotten, either. Instead, he felt his face fall, and the smile dropped off Taisei’s as well.

“Wait… is this about… A, Arata?” He said the name like he was still unsure it was correct, but Yuudai’s flinch was all the confirmation he needed. “Who is he?”

_ Why is he only sharp about the worst possible things? _ Yuudai lamented. He definitely wouldn’t be lying his way out of this one, but he was nowhere near prepared to tell the truth either. “He… he’s someone from a long time ago. I really don’t feel comfortable talking about it.”

Much to Yuudai’s surprise, instead of pressing the matter, Taisei nodded resolutely. “I understand! If you don’t feel like you can tell me yet, that’s fine. As long as everything is okay!”

“...thanks,” Yuudai muttered, turning a vibrant shade of red. He was absolutely hopeless against the taller man.

“Oh! Does this have something to do with why you wanted me to leave on that Wednesday?”

“Hmm? What Wednesday?” a deep voice interjected.

Panic. Yuudai felt nothing but sheer, unbridled panic. Arata. His ex was standing  _ right there, _ stupid fake grin on his face, all teeth. How long had he been there? How much had he heard?

Taisei eeped, but recovered quickly. “I didn’t see you! Arata, right?”

“Yup. What are you guys chatting about?” Arata was technically smiling, but the expression made Yuudai’s skin crawl.

“Um, just… about the last time I was over at his house?”

_ Good answer!  _ Yuudai want to shake Taisei by the shoulders, but the giant had no way of knowing how unfortunate of a reply that had been.  _ How about you just cut to the chase and stab me with one of those knifes back there and save him the trouble? _

“Really? When was this?”

Taisei was starting to look suspicious now, but it didn’t stop him from answering. “Two weeks ago? I helped him cut his hair!”

“Fascinating!” Arata leaned in closer, his hat casting a shadow over his eyes. “Say, did you see his cat, too?”

“Taisei, don’t-” but Yuudai was interrupted.

“Hime?” Taisei smiled, mistakenly thinking he had struck a good topic of conversation. “Of course! We played with her for a--”

With a sickening crack, Arata’s fist smashed into Taisei’s face, knocking the other man flat to the ground.

“Arata!” Yuudai shouted, stepping in between the two men. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

“Tch. He was asking for it.” Arata shook his hand, knuckles already starting to bruise.

“How? You punched him for no fucking reason!” Yuudai’s anger was increasing at a startling rate, and he balled his hands into fists.

“No reason?” Arata laughed. “Needed to put him in his fucking place.”

“In… his place?” The words echoed in Yuudai’s brain, bringing something up from the fog. Another punch; something similar had happened recently. Shining lights, a pulsing beat, another man laid out on the ground, a stranger…

It came back, pieces of it, shrouded in fog. He remembered the club, the red haired man, the fight, and the escape. They entered Arata’s apartment and then the memories faded. It wasn’t much, but it was enough.

Arata’s eyes widened as he saw the look in the blonde’s eyes, and he had the nerve to actually look worried. “Yuudai…”

“You fucking lied to me,” Yuudai hissed, clenching his hands back into fists. “You didn’t swoop in and rescue me from anything! You fucking assaulted someone and dragged me out by force! What else are you lying about?” He jabbed a finger forwards, pointing at Arata accusingly. 

“Yuudai, calm down, you’re not remembering it right, you were drunk-”

“Get out of here!” Yuudai shouted. They had attracted a crowd, but Yuudai no longer cared. “Get the fuck away from me, forever. I knew nothing good could have come from getting wrapped up with you again. If I ever see you again I’m calling the fucking cops.”

“Y-Yuudai?” Taisei stammered, sitting up from the ground. “What’s going on?”

Arata looked like he was about to say something, but suddenly something erupted out of the back room. A glint of silver, and there was a knife at the older man’s throat.

“Nobody punches Taisei but me,” Taro warned, pressing the knife down.

“Fucking… alright! Holy shit, I’m leaving! You guys are all insane!” Arata stepped back and actually spat on the ground, leaving without some much as a glance at Yuudai.

The crowd dispersed, then both remaining men looked up at Yuudai. Immediately the rage drained out of him, leaving him hollow, twitching and nervous. Eyes from everywhere felt like they were boring into his soul. Taisei- the glance revealed confusion, possibly concern, and all he let himself see from Taro was rage. The air around Yuudai felt crushing, choking, and his breath was beginning to come in ragged gasps. He had to get out of there. “I’m… going home,” he muttered, and fled before either man could stop him or say anything otherwise.


	7. Cave

Yuudai lay on his couch, stroking Hime and ignoring his phone. It had been vibrating nearly nonstop all night, Arata sending him god knows what practically every minute. He kept replaying the events of the day in his head; the awkward conversation with Taisei, Arata’s sudden appearance, and the fact that he had actually punched Taisei in the middle of the market. Arata had always been aggressive, and not afraid to get physical, but he was usually the type to take care of things away from prying eyes. Threats had always come first, and Yuudai had learned when to step in and try to defuse the situation, but this time… there had been no warning. One minute Arata had that dangerous grin, and the next Taisei was flat on the ground, nursing his cheek. Yuudai hadn’t been able to protect him.

Everything about the situation was setting off warning bells. Not only had Arata punched Taisei without provocation, he had also blatantly lied to Yuudai about what happened on Saturday. Now that he thought more about it, he had punched someone then as well, hadn’t he? Something was wrong with Arata, and it was starting to scare Yuudai. He should have listened to Shigeru and cut it off when he still had the chance.

His phone buzzed yet again, as if reminding Yuudai that he had let it go too far. Arata always blew up his phone, but even this was starting to get out of hand. Frowning, he dangled the phone in front of his face, watching the screen light up as the number next to Arata’s name increased. It was time for him to put a stop to this. For now, he’d ignore the messages, and decide how to handle this in the morning. On his lap, Hime purred, giving him a bit of comfort. Yeah. He could handle this tomorrow. Yuudai was about to turn off his phone when there was a thundering pounding at his door.

“Shit!” He jumped up, sending Hime flying off his lap. Yuudai scrambled for his buzzing phone, finally flipping it open to read the incoming messages.

_ open ur fuking door _ Arata had sent.  _ i know ur home  _ and  _ let me n be4 i break it down _

Yuudai hurriedly typed in the number for emergency services and was about to hit the call button when a massive crash buckled his door.  _ Is he insane?! _ The door couldn’t take much more of that, and Yuudai knew his cheap ass landlord would make him pay for the door if it was broken, something Yuudai could never afford.  _ It’s okay. Let him in, then lock yourself on the porch if you have to. You can handle this.  _ He sprinted to the door and wrenched it open.

Arata was on the other side, phone in one hand, shoulder pointed towards the door. He had a crazed, alien look in his eyes, and Yuudai immediately knew he had made a grave mistake.

B efore he could react Arata was inside, holding Yuudai’s arm in a vice-like grip. He kicked the door closed behind him. “You little shit,” he growled, and yanked Yuudai along, dragging him into the bedroom. The feeling as he was thrown inside was oddly familiar, but his thoughts were interrupted with a flash of white as Hime tore into the bedroom and latched on to Arata. “Fucking cat!” he howled, ripping the feline off before chucking her out of the room. She hit the wall with a pained meow, and Arata slammed the door.

“Hime!” Yuudai cried, but Arata was in the way. He kicked out a leg and tripped the smaller man, knocking him onto the futon. With Yuudai temporarily taken care of, he grabbed the chair at Yuudai’s desk and pushed it into the corner, out of the way. He grabbed the corner of the futon and pulled it up to the desk, moving Yuudai with it. Regaining his composure, Yuudai rolled onto his stomach, preparing to stand, but Arata jumped on him, straddling his waist as he yanked off his belt.

“You’re not gonna fucking get away.” Arata grabbed the other’s arms, wrenching them above his head and towards the desk leg before looping his belt around the slim wrists and the leg, securing him in place.

_ Get a nice, sturdy desk.  _ Yuudai tried desperately to pull his arms free or loosen the bonds, but neither the belt nor the desk budged.  _ Solid wood. Nice and heavy. It’ll last you a long time.  _ “Let me go.”

“Not a chance,” Arata choked out, fury in his voice. The older man yanked roughly at the bonds as well, only standing when he was satisfied they were secure. “You’re just gonna run off and fuck some other guy, like always. What about that tall guy, huh? Someone new you’ve been seeing?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Yuudai cried, fear setting in. Arata had shown this jealous streak many times in the past, sometimes with these accusations of infidelity near the end, but never at this level before. “I never cheated on you when we were dating and even if we were right now, which, by the way, we fucking AREN’T, I haven’t slept with anyone recently except  _ you _ , you goddamn psycho! Now let me go!”

“You expect me to believe that when I show up and find you flirting with that freak?” Yuudai made out a soft rustling, and out of the corner of his eye spotted Arata’s jacket falling to the floor. He had an idea of where this all was going, and while the thought did terrify him, he supposed there were worse things, like dismemberment.

“Taisei?! I wasn’t flirting with him!” Yuudai kicked back with his legs, trying to tag Arata, but connected with nothing but air. “Holy shit! We’re just, friends, fucking barely! I don’t even know him that well!”

“Really? Ha!” A shirt drifted by this time. “Anyone really will do for you. If there anyone you won’t fucking wave that ass at?” A stinging slap on the body part in question, and Yuudai yelped.

“What fantasy land do you even live in where everyone seems to want to have sex with me?!” Yuudai’s voice had gone higher, and he tried another kick. “You said it yourself, I’m not exactly prime real estate. Stop assuming everybody else wants to fuck me just because you wanna justify the fact that YOU do.”

That connected harder than any of Yuudai’s kicks ever could. Arata was silent, but his hands were at the waistband of Yuudai’s loose pants and in seconds they were pulled from his body. “You don’t see how they look at you,” he hissed. The sound sent chills down Yuudai’s spine. Arata sounded almost far away, disconnected from reality. “That tall guy was fuckin’ grinning the whole time he had eyes on you.”

“Oh my god!” Yuudai’s words were faster now, on the verge of hysterical. “He’s just nice! He’s like that with everyone! He was gonna be like that with  _ you  _ until you fucking punched him!”

Underwear came next. “How convenient! What about that other guy you work with, the older one? Shigeru?”

“ _ Shigeru? _ Come on, there’s no way Shigeru…” but Yuudai trailed off, because he realized that, on some level, Shigeru did, and he had never actually  _ thought _ about it like that. Far too late, he realized the silence was as bad as a direct confirmation, and perhaps he had fucked up for the last time.

“ _ See, _ ” Arata whispered, stilled. “ _ I knew I was fucking right about you. _ ”

Momentarily the weight on his torso was lifted but it returned and something rather thin and bitter tasting was forced between his teeth. Leather? Another belt? The strap was tightened and secured, and Yuudai briefly wondered where the hell Arata had pulled all these belts from, since Yuudai certainly didn’t have any. More than that, he knew that he was well and truly fucked, and that he really should have just called the cops in the first place.

“Perfect! You aren’t gonna be needing that mouth of yours this time around anyways,” Arata snickered.

_ What does he mean by this time?  _ Yuudai wondered, searching for ways to distract himself.  _ Saturday? I need to remember! _

“Bud, I don’t even know why you feel like you gotta go to someone else!” The playful tone in Arata’s voice was so out of place and just… disturbing. Arata was not a good person by any stretch of the imagination, but something like this was another thing entirely. Something was seriously wrong. “I’ve  _ always _ been willing and you know I can make you feel good. Why do you feel the need to drive me crazy like this?”

The weight backed off some and a strong arm hooked around Yuudai’s waist, lifting him up until the blonde was on his knees, ass forced in the air. Two firm hands gripped the flesh there and pulled it apart, exposing him. Arata brought his face in close and Yuudai whimpered, but the man was simply still. After a lengthy pause, he blew a sharp tuft of air at the man and Yuudai couldn't stop the squeak that escaped him. Arata rolled backwards, onto his back, laughing uproariously, and Yuudai collapsed back onto the ground.

“Oh my god man, hell no! That was hilarious!” Arata was still shrieking, and Yuudai allowed himself to think maybe this whole thing had just been some elaborate joke, but the maniacal note to the laughter was still there. “Naw, alright, where was it… c’mon, no no no, pick that back up, bud,” and a hand was at his hip, guiding back into a kneeling position. “Aha!”

Yuudai glanced backwards and saw the shirtless man ripping open a package of lube and coating his fingers with a generous amount. Arata caught his eyes and wiggled the fingers playfully. “Not going in dry, bud, that’d  _ hurt _ , wouldn’t it?” Yuudai turned back around and quickly closed his eyes.

“Where were we… right!” Arata scooted back in place, using his clean hand to spread Yuudai for easier access. “In we go!” With that, he slipped a finger inside, and Yuudai squirmed around it. “C’mon, it’s been like, a week, lighten up.”

_ Doesn’t mean I have to fucking like it, _ Yuudai wanted to bite back, but the belt kept him from saying anything. Arata wiggled the digit around a bit before sliding in a second.

“Hmm.” He probed around like he was searching for something, and Yuudai figured it out the split second before Arata found what he was seeking; his prostate gland.

The feeling jolted through Yuudai, and he bit into the belt, trying desperately to force it away. Arata made a pleased noise, clearly aware of the effect he was having, and he rubbed at it gently, pressing down at random intervals. “See?” He flicked at Yuudai’s hardening cock to punctuate his statement. “I know what you like.”

Surprisingly, Arata loosened the belt around the blonde’s mouth, allowing him enough room to speak. Presumably he wanted some sort of affirmation from the younger man, or simply some sweet noises, but what he got instead was Yuudai spitting out “Holy shit, you figured out a gay dude that takes it up the ass likes prostate stimulation! Someone should give you a fucking medal!” Yuudai didn’t get any more out before Arata violently pulled the belt even tighter than before, latching it at a crushing size that forced Yuudai’s mouth partially open. Pleased, Yuudai focused on the pain.

“Alright you fucking piece of shit,” Arata spat, pulling out the fingers. “Have it your way.” Something much larger and hotter, and thankfully slicked, pushed up against Yuudai’s entrance, and without further delay, it was forced inside.

Yuudai’s entire body went rigid, trying to force it out. He wasn’t ready for it, but then again, he supposed he never would have been. At least he didn’t have to worry about the shame of arousal anymore. It was strange how it could feel so familiar yet so foreign at the same time. Arata bent down over Yuudai, breath hitting his neck and ear. “This is what you like, yeah? What you always fucking want?”

In response Yuudai only grunted. Arata thrusted shallowly at first, slowly going deeper and deeper until he was fully seated inside the smaller man. “I should have never given this up,” Arata breathed out, and Yuudai could have written a fucking essay on all the things that were wrong with that, but Arata’s hands were pushing up his shirt, tracing out his ribs, and maybe he hadn’t forgotten all his tricks. “I love the way I can feel your bones right through your skin. So frail…” The rough hands pressed hard on the ribs and Yuudai shivered at the touch. “I could snap them like fucking twigs.” He pressed harder, almost too hard, before abandoning what he was doing to push the shirt as far up as it would go with Yuudai tied to the desk. It caught momentarily on the free end of the belt but Arata pushed it over, and it finally hung uselessly bunched near the man’s bound wrists.

Arata began to thrust in and out, frustratingly slow. “Been too long…” he grunted. “Need to make this last.”

_ It’s barely been two weeks… _ Yuudai’s thoughts were brought to an abrupt halt as a hand brushed a nipple, and Arata dragged his tongue along the shell of his ear. Arata did remember, he remembered fucking  _ everything, _ and he had always been so good at turning Yuudai’s body against him. Sometimes Yuudai would try to tell himself that was the real reason they’d stayed together so long, but the lie never lasted. He tried to pull away from the hands on his chest but only lined himself flush with the broad back behind him, and Arata took the opportunity to thrust deep inside, knowing exactly where to hit.

“Shit!” Yuudai cried, muffled by the belt. He felt Arata smile against his neck, picking up the pace significantly. The unmoving arms now pinned Yuudai to the chest above him, ensuring the angle didn’t change, and Yuudai felt himself being reduced to curses and high pitched sobs. Knowing that now he had him, Arata undid the belt around his mouth once and for all, kissing at the bright red marks left by the biting leather.

“Got anything… smart to say?” Arata was smirking, Yuudai didn’t have to look to know, though his breathing was getting ragged.

“Fuck… off!” Yuudai retorted.

“I’m gonna… make you come… without even touching your dick…” and a sneer. “Little slut.”

“Then… fucking… do it!”

Arata shoved Yuudai’s head back into the futon and latched onto his neck. He sped up, over and over, until he was practically pounding Yuudai into the ground, digging his nails into the small shoulders. The mouth got rougher, more intense, littering bites all over the blonde’s neck and shoulder, and eventually bit down on his ear, hard. Yuudai hissed in pain, feeling the teeth dig in and pierce the skin, and Arata lapped up the blood that spilled. Neither man was talking now, the only sounds harsh pants and the slapping of skin, and Hime frantically clawing at the door.

Much to his charaign, Yuudai felt it first, and faster, and he had always been the more sensitive one. The pleasure built up inside, and he felt the end coming, swelling up, and after a particularly well-placed bite, he went over the edge.

Arata cursed as he felt the other spasm around him, and he fisted a hand into the short blonde hair, wrenched Yuudai’s head back, and bit down on the junction of his neck and shoulder, hard. Yuudai choked out a scream, and Arata bit harder, tearing through the flesh, and came.

It hurt. The pain was incredible. Arata wasn’t just being rough, he was doing serious damage, and Yuudai tried frantically to pull away, but the arms holding him close were like stone. Blood dripped down his chest and onto the futon, and the struggles weakened, and after what felt like an eternity Arata opened his mouth back up and backed off, pulling out.

Yuudai fell down onto the futon with a crash, eyes starting to glaze over. Arata turned to the side and spat the blood out of his mouth, wiping the rest off with the back of his hand, which he then cleaned on the dirtied futon. “There. Now you’ll fucking remember.”

“Remember what?” Yuudai mumbled, slowly closing his eyes. “That you’re a psychopath?”

“That you’re fucking  _ mine _ ,” Arata growled, and Yuudai lost consciousness.


	8. Uno

Yuudai woke up feeling like shit, as was the usual. Last night started to come back to him, and he reached for his injured shoulder; with freed arms, thank fuck; and felt something there- it looked like Arata had fucking belted Yuudai’s shirt to the wound. It was better than nothing, at least. Hime, waking up with her master, started frantically meowing and prodding at him, inspecting him for changes. He scooped up the cat and buried his face into her fur. This is usually where somebody would cry, right? Yuudai had never been very big on crying, opting for anger instead, but what he felt now was dangerously close to nothing.

Mirrors. He needed a mirror, to see just how bad it all was. There were none in his apartment, of course, so he threw on whatever clothes were nearby, trying to conceal his neck with the collar of his jacket, and slunk out of the room.

Walking was extremely uncomfortable, and Yuudai mentally added ‘clean up’ to his list of things to do. He was able to safely get to a stall with nobody spotting him, and contorted his body into various odd positions in order to inspect as much of it as possible in the tiny rectangular mirror near the top of the stall. His face stood out the most; there were still deep red welts where the belt had bit in, and although it didn’t hurt much, it was embarrassingly visible. There were plenty of hickies and love bites littering his neck and shoulders, and his right ear was an angry red color, the skin around the bite mark starting to stitch together. He held up his wrists; the skin was red and tender, but looked nothing more than irritated. Satisfied with the smaller injuries, he took a deep breath, and set about removing the shirt wrapped around his shoulder.

The flesh was an angry red and purple, with some lighter bruising fanning out away from the deepest parts of the wound. Arata’s teeth had punctured through the skin in many places, and some blood was still oozing out of the openings in the skin. Yuudai winced as he peeled the shirt fully away, unsticking it from the injury. It didn’t look good. He needed to get it looked at right away.

Yuudai cleaned himself up as quickly as possible, both in the bathroom stall and in the shower, ignoring the stabbing pain the water caused as it ran down his injured shoulder. Gingerly, he dried himself off, stopped by his room to grab some towels and look up the closest clinic, then set off, bundled up the best he could manage.

Understandably, the doctor had shot Yuudai some concerned looks, but Yuudai semi-successfully convinced the man it had just been a one night stand gone very wrong. When asked if he needed any… additional testing, Yuudai turned bright red and shook his head frantically.

For what felt like the first time in his life, Yuudai had actually gotten lucky. None of the underlying bones had been fractured and the wound wasn’t infected, at least yet. Plenty of antibiotic was applied and the doctored stitched up some of the deeper wounds before wrapping up the area and sending Yuudai home with dressings, bandages, and a bill he wasn’t entirely sure how he would pay. One the way back he stepped by the cheapest secondhand clothing store he could find and bought a turtleneck. The less things he had to explain to anyone, the better.

When night came and he laid down to rest, he couldn’t sleep. Every loud noise made him jump, and footsteps past his door sent him bolt upright, eyes locked to the entryway. He kept pulling the futon farther and farther away from the desk, even all the way into the living room, but it never felt far enough, and the mere thought of being near the thing made his wrists throb. Hime mowed angrily at each disruption, though always resettled on her owner without fail, curling up even closer to his face than usual. Even her warm presence did nothing to soothe Yuudai, and he finally rummaged around and pulled out some expired cold medicine, the kind made to put you to sleep and keep you that way. He chugged the bitter fluid, the sharp taste sparking his memory, and the last thing he remembered before falling into a fitful sleep was the rest of the forgotten memories from Saturday.

 

* * *

 

 

Thursday. Yuudai almost didn’t wake up, but Hime made sure he was aware of the hour, and he was hurrying to feed her and yank on clothes before he was too terribly late to work. He managed to remember to pull on the turtleneck and his beanie, and barely locked the door as he sprinted to the train station.      

The headache hit him on the train. It was sharp, knife-like, and he pulled the hat down further, trying to block out the world around him. He hadn't had time to change the bandages on his shoulder, which he should have made time for regardless, or at least brought them to work, but they were sitting in a bag on his couch, far away and useless. Not having a mirror or time to stop by the bathroom meant he had no idea what his face looked like, but judging from the looks he was shot every so often, they were still very much visible.

Yuudai jogged into the fish market, setting what meagre possessions he brought with him in the back and throwing on an apron. Thankfully he had still managed to beat the brothers to work, and he heard the puttering scooter pull up- Mura with the day’s product. Just who he wanted to see. Steeling himself for a fight, he stepped outside, preparing to unload the goods.

“Morning Tanaka!” the man said cheerfully, blatantly trying to provoke the younger man. “Nice day, huh? Gonna send me back for some better stock tod…” Mura trailed off once Yuudai turned to face him. His eyebrows knitted in confusion. “What’s going on with your face, kid?”

God, was it really that obvious? “Look, I slept wrong, alright? Just gimme the damn fish.”

Mura laughed, and the sound drilled into Yuudai’s brain. “You look ridiculous! You should probably let Jiro handle the stall and just, be more careful tonight!” Yuudai was scowling as the two men quickly unloaded the stock, and soon enough Mura was on his way, still laughing. Piece of shit.

The Sakanas shot him looks when they arrived, and if he had bothered to look closer at Jiro he may have seen concern, but he ignored them and occupied himself with setting the stall up for the day. Some of the fish was sub par as always, fucking Mura, but Jiro knew enough to recognize that by now and Yuudai at least trusted him enough to sell the shit to tourists and people who didn’t know any better.

Unfortunately, Thursdays were typically busy, as people filed in to make up for the day long gap in their shopping. Yuudai was forced to help people left and right, and tried his hardest to ignore the stares and whispers. In the shadows, Jiro tried his hardest to draw customers away from his supervisor, but the sheer volume of people made it difficult, and he could only watch as the man grew more and more distressed. When midday, the end of the rush and his scheduled break arrived, Yuudai practically ran out of the stall, escaping up a ladder to the loft, pulling his cigarettes out from hiding and lighting one. He took a long drag, but it didn’t do much in the way of calming him.

A soft cough from behind him nearly made him drop the thing entirely, and he whipped around. Jiro was standing on the top of the ladder, looking down, and he seemed to be starting to sweat. “What the hell do you want?” Yuudai bit out, and Jiro flinched.

“Um… c-could I come up?” he stammered, and Yuudai shrugged.

“Who’s watching the stall? Your brother? I never said you could take a break, you know.”

Cautiously, Jiro crawled into the loft, settling a safe distance from Yuudai. “Y-yeah, I know, but it’s s-slow now and you seem upset…”

“Why do you care?” Yuudai turned around, back against the railing, careful to turn away from his injured shoulder. He inhaled deeply then blew the smoke in Jiro’s face, grinning when the other man coughed. “It’s not like we like each other or anything.”

Jiro actually frowned, and Yuudai cocked his head. Well, that wasn’t the reaction he was expecting, but nothing seemed to go the way Yuudai expected anymore. “You know, believe it or not, I don’t actually think you’re half the jackass you try to act like you are.”

“What makes you think that? It’s definitely not the way I treat you.”

The younger man paused, then looked back at the ground. “It’s because Taisei likes you.”

Yuudai, unable to fight off the blush, turned away instead.  _ Not like you think _ , he reminded himself, trying to slow his racing heart. “Hmn.”

“If… if you were  _ really _ a bad person, Taisei would know. He won’t even tell me what’s going on. Just that it’s between the two of you.” Jiro scratched at the ground, his voice surprisingly steady.

“There’s nothing ‘going on’. You should tell him to stop making shit up, alright?” Yuudai sighed. Taisei  _ didn’t _ know much, certainly not enough to figure out there was some sort of ‘situation’, the existence of which Yuudai still refused to acknowledge. “I don’t know why he keeps trying to talk to me.”

The silence lasted long enough that Yuudai was about to look and see if Jiro had left when the boy finally spoke up. “Um, Yuudai…” another solid twenty seconds of nothing.

“What?” Yuudai hissed, teeth clenched.

“Are you gay?”

The cigarette dropped from Yuudai’s hands, and he scrambled to catch it, but it fell to the ground below. “W-WHAT?!” He spun around yet again, this time hitting his bad shoulder, and winced. “Why would you ask that? What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you even think that?!”

“U-UM!” Jiro managed to stutter loudly. “It’s just, the way you act sometimes, around some people! Do you remember when the ice machine broke two years ago?”

Yuudai did, in fact. Everything had gotten wet and poor Shigeru had gotten the brunt of it, emerging from the spectacle thoroughly soaked. Ren had, wisely, suggested that he remove the freezing shirt so as not to catch a cold, and for once in his life stealing sly glances at people had paid off for the blonde. Well, he had nearly inhaled all his coffee and spat all of it on the ground before making the least graceful exit possible, but that one moment, it felt like time stood still, and every hair on that muscled body still stood out so clearly it was like it had only been yesterday--

“Yuudai!” Jiro waved his hand in front of Yuudai’s face, snapping him out of it. “See? You totally zoned out just now thinking about it!”

“Look! Shigeru has a nice body, okay! Anyone would agree!”

“I’m not disagreeing with you, but... I didn’t even mention Shigeru.”

Yuudai and Jiro stared at each other. That had gone… poorly, to say the least. Huffing, Yuudai crossed his arms. “Maybe it’s just Shigeru, ever think of that? Maybe he’s just  _ special _ .”

“Well you also…” Jiro’s face tensed up, and Yuudai braced himself for what was coming. “That Saturday when we all got drunk and hung out? You might have kissed Taisei.”

With surprising speed, Yuudai located a crate and used it to bury his face in his arms. “ _ Oh my god,”  _ he lamented. “Why did you have to tell me that? I can never talk to him again now.”

“I don’t think he remembers! It’s okay!”

Yuudai peeked over his folded arms, eyes narrowed. “Did you tell me all of this so I’ll know exactly who it was who spread all the rumors around the fish market?”

“No!” Jiro sounded a bit angry at that, and Yuudai sat back down, resting his chin on his hands. “For whatever reason, Taisei seems to like you. I’m his best friend and I trust his judgement. So even if I… don’t really like you right now, I owe it to him to try, and we  _ did _ have fun on Saturday.”

“Hmm.” Yuudai eyed the man in front of him with a mixture of curiosity and displeasure. Jiro got on his nerves, that was for sure, but he had shown a surprising amount of kindness, and at least THAT saturday, while it was a blur, it wasn’t an unpleasant one. “Maybe… I could try not to hate you so much.” Jiro gave Yuudai an irritated look, and he smirked, showing a bit of teeth. “No guarantees.”

It was Jiro’s turn to sigh as he glanced at his watch. “We should be getting back. Oh! Are you coming over tonight?”

“Coming over?” Yuudai repeated, confusion showing on his face.

“Taisei said he texted you.”

He probably had; Yuudai hadn’t turned on his phone since he ripped out the battery Wednesday morning and chucked it underneath his dresser. “I haven’t checked my phone yet. I… can’t though, I have something to do today.”

“I’ll tell him. Next time?”

Yuudai nodded, and Jiro slipped back down the ladder. The blonde waited a minute before following, and somehow the rest of the day wasn’t so bad.

 

* * *

 

 

The sun had set a while ago and Yuudai was staring at the three pieces of his phone in his hands. Snapping the battery back in would be easy, but the prospect of what would greet him when he turned it on was terrifying. Hime threaded between his legs, mowing nonstop, so Yuudai devised a plan; put the phone back together, turn it on, immediately put it on silent and shove it under a couch cushion, feed Hime and change his bandages. He could figure out what to do about it from there.  

Soon he stood in the bathroom, craning his neck to see the wound on his shoulder. It would scar, Arata had made sure of that. Was one not enough? Suddenly he was possessed with an animalistic urge to tear into the wound, peeling the flesh back, distorting the bite, opening the scar across his whole chest. He’d rather be disfigured than marked for life so savagely. Tentatively, he dug a finger into one of the incisions, and the pain that lanced through his body almost made him double over. His fingers gripped the sink with bruising force, knuckles white, and he grit his teeth and waited for the moment to pass. Calmer, he began treating the wound.

Forty minutes later, Yuudai had the TV on and Hime purring in his lap. His phone was still hidden under the other cushion, and he knew he couldn’t ignore it forever, but… just for a little bit longer.

The show ended and Yuudai turned off the TV. Hime, sensing something was going on, opened her wide eyes and peered up at her master, letting out a squeak of support. “Thanks, princess,” he smiled, and leaned over to fish out the phone, pulling it out upside down at first, When he flipped it over, his heart plummeted, and the phone followed, crashing onto the carpet.

_ 146 new messages _

No, this couldn’t be happening. They couldn’t all be from Arata, right? Jiro said Taisei had texted him, that had to be some. He picked the phone back up and flipped it open;  _ 3 messages from Tachibana Taisei  _ and  _ 143 messages from Tasaki Arata _ .

“No, no no no, this isn’t happening.” Panic was setting in as he skimmed through the texts. Most of them were various names for him, and there were plenty of threats, often followed by hasty apologies, transparent attempts to get back on his good side, and then right back to more threats. Near the top, one made him freeze-  _ udai if u don’t answer ill come over again and make u _

It wasn’t safe here. He couldn’t stay. Arata knew where he lived and had already come once before and hurt him. The reassurance that Arata would never actually make good on his more violent threats had been obliterated, and his own apartment, his only real safe space, had turned into one of the most dangerous places to be. At least at the fish market he wasn’t alone. He couldn’t stay here.

Yuudai ran back and forth across his small apartment, finding his only duffel bag and cramming it full of clothes and toiletries and a spare pair of shoes. Only the necessities; food he could buy as cheaply as possible. He would try to find someone to let him crash for a night, a new person each time, not to leave a trail or a way to be found. Park benches and playgrounds would do in a pinch. If he had a day off he could travel to an internet cafe and stay there.

A squeak as his foot collided with a bundle of fur, and he ground to a halt. Hime. What would he do about Hime? Taking her with him wasn’t an option, and neither was leaving her here. He considered the pound, but… no. One look into her eyes and he knew he could never do that. He glanced at the phone in his hand, and it hit him-- Shigeru.

Before he knew it he was calling the older man, who answered after a couple of rings. “Helluh’?”

“Um, Shigeru…” Yudai trailed off, suddenly unsure of what to say?”

“Yuudai? Wha’s up?”

“I, uh… I know I haven’t called you in like, a year, and now I’m doing it for this, and…” Yuudai ran a hand through his hair irritably. “Could I ask you to do me a really big favor?”

“Of wha’ sort?” Patience was evident in the voice over the phone, and Yuudai relaxed slightly.

“Could you, take care of Hime for me? Maybe for a while?”

Something close to a snort, and Yuudai realized Shigeru had actually laughed. “That it? F’course I can. Still got ah set o’ spare keys?”

“No, I actually… I need you to take her, keep her at your place.” Silence. “I’d give you everything she needs! The litter box, cat food, her cat toys…”

“Ah don’t mind, bu’ gimme a sec, ‘kay?” A clunk as Shigeru set the phone on the table, and Yuudai heard Shigeru call out ‘Jan?’ and earn a comically high pitched  _ Ja?  _ in response before it all faded to mumbling. Yuudai stroked Hime nervously, waiting for Shigeru to return.

Finally, Yuudai heard the phone being lifted, and Shigeru called out his name to make sure he was still there. “S’fine,” Shigeru answered, and Yuudai let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “When you need me tah come get her?”

“Could I bring her to the fish market tomorrow, actually? Give her to you there, before work?”

“...Yuudai, is e’erythin’ alrigh’?”

Yuudai sucked in a breathe this time. A lie, he needed a lie. “It’s fine! My apartment is being renovated and they’re putting us up in a hotel, but we can’t bring our pets! That’s all?”

“Alrigh’, man. I’ll come in early t’morro’ and you can bring ‘er on over.”

“Thank you, Shigeru,” Yuudai replied, smiling into the phone.

“S’nothin’. Take it easy, yeah?”

“Yeah.” And Shigeru hung up.

“See?” Yuudai held Hime up to his face, meeting her gaze as she looked at him questioningly. “It’ll be alright. You know Shigeru, he takes good care of you.” She mowed, and he bundled her up in his arms, sinking to the floor. “It’ll all be alright.”


	9. Stockholm Syndrome

Yuudai took an early train to work. He had his possessions strewn around him; a duffle bag at his feet, Hime (distressed) in her carrier on his lap, and a big bag of various cat supplies at his side. Once again, he got weird looks, but he knew it wasn’t his face today, as the belt marks had mostly faded. His cheeks were still tinged red, but it could easily be from a mild illness or simply the cold. The fish market was mostly deserted, so Yuudai snuck into the stall, up into the loft, and hid the duffel bag behind some storage. That taken care of, he picked up Hime, her supplies, and headed off to the Sushi stall.

Shigeru was waiting around the back, smoking. When he spotted Yuudai he dropped the cigarette on the ground, putting it out with the toe of his boot. He raised a hand in greeting, and Yuudai waved back.

Together the two found a place in the back to stash Hime, and Yuudai went through a mental list, pointing everything out to Shigeru and explaining what it was all for. “...now you can give her treats from the fish market, but don’t do to overboard, because then she’ll get fat, or sick. I’ll bring by a new bag of food for her every week so you don’t have to buy it. This right here is her favorite toy, she really likes chasing it around, but if you aren’t careful she’ll eat the feathers off of it and--”

“Yuudai,” Shigeru interrupted, and Yuudai clammed up, turning red. “Ah know how t’ take care of ‘er. You don’ gotta worry ‘bout it.”

“I-I know,” Yuudai answered, fidgeting. “I can’t help it, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” The pair crouched down in front of Hime in her crate. She rapidly looked back and forth between the two, mowing excitedly, and started to hop up and down. “Hah! Look at that! Sh’ remembers me!”

“Be a good girl, alright?” Yuudai whispered, sticking his fingers through the bars of the cage and letting her lick at them. “Daddy’s gonna miss you.” He stayed like that for a while, staring at the cat, until he finally looked over and realized Shigeru was watching him, an odd look on his face.

“T-thanks again!” Yuudai stood up, brushing himself off. “I should get to the stall and get ready to open!” He turned and started to leave, but a hand caught his wrist, stopping him.

“Ahm just watchin’ her,” Shigeru drawled, picking his words carefully. “Yer gonna be back for her, ‘kay?”

“Of course!” Yuudai forced himself to sound normal. “Just until the renovations end!”

“Yuudai, look a’ me.” Yuudai refused, but Shigeru would speak or loosen his grip until he did, so he finally met the taller man’s eyes. “You’ll be back f’her. Ah know ya will.”

Slowly, Yuudai nodded, and Shigeru let go. Without another sound, Yuudai turned and went back to his stall.

Yuudai slept on a bench that night, and it was some of the best rest he had gotten in awhile.

 

* * *

 

 

When work ended the next day, Yuudai struggled to figure out where to go. He grabbed a cheap ready-made lunch at a convenience store and sat on a park bench, chewing, and contemplating. He had originally planned on looking for an internet cafe to crash at for his rest day, but he wasn’t in the mood for manga. Roughing it had worked pretty well but eventually he’d need to charge his phone. Many, many times he’d thought about just letting it die, but he’d glance at the unread messages from Taisei and it suddenly seemed important to have on. He tried to avoid the growing number next to Arata’s name, but as it continued to grow larger, it was getting harder to ignore. It was easier to deal with when he just thought of it as evidence they’d use against his ex in the murder trial.

“That’s right, look on the bright side,” he muttered, and finally opened up the messages from the excitable man.  _ HEY YUUDAI me and jiro and taro are gonna have this night where we just watch a bunch of cool american movies! you wanna come???  _ That… was it. Maybe there was more on the other texts? The second read  _ oops i never said when it was  _ and the third and final was  _ HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I FORGOT AGAIN IT’S THURSDAY _ . Yuudai tried to hide his stupid grin but it forced itself out anyways and he probably looked insane, sitting alone on a bench and smiling.

He mostly wandered around to pass the time, and as night fell, he found himself near the club he and Arata had gone to last weekend. Well… Arata typically never had the weekend off and he seemed to hate hitting the same club twice in a row, so it was probably safe. Safe from Arata at least, Yuudai corrected, remembering the redhead who had dosed him. He just wouldn’t accept any drinks and it should be fine. The dufflebag would be a problem though; he doubted they’d let him take it inside the building with him. Glancing around revealed nowhere good to hide the thing, so he set his sights on a sturdy looking tree. After taking out all the money and tossing his jacket inside the bag he threw it with all his might, finally wedging it up in the branches after a few attempts. At first he was rather pleased with himself but he squinted up into the tree after the adrenaline died down. It… was pretty high up there. He’d figure something out.

The club was just as exhilarating as the last time he had been there. Since his primary goal there was to kill time, he camped out long enough to find a couch to sit on, and just sat and watched the people dancing. Every so often someone would approach them, and every time he told himself that this was his chance to find a warm bed, but he found himself rebuffing every advance. Despite Arata’s bizarre idea of him sleeping with anything that offered, he really didn’t relish the idea of having sex with total strangers. It was a bit cold some nights, but there were always warm enough places to find, and maybe if he hid well enough he could sleep in the loft above the fish stall, hide some blankets up there…

Yuudai sighed. By chance, he looked up, and locked eyes with someone from across the room, a strangely familiar red head. The look on the other man’s face was one of terror, and Yuudai smiled at him. This… maybe he could work with this.

Casually, Yuudai stood up and sauntered over to the man in question, who had turned and was trying to escape. Yuudai caught up with him in no time and halted him with a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, where are you going?”

After stiffening, the man finally turned back to Yuudai, but his eyes flicked around, searching for an escape. “Look, I don’t want any trouble, alright? Your psycho boyfriend already punched me out, isn’t that enough?” The remains of the bruise purpled his cheek, and he scowled.

“Boyfriend? That piece of shit? Gimme a fucking break!” Yuudai barked, and he tried to ignore the way the man’s eyes briefly settled on the bandage around his neck. “Let’s just go over here and talk, alright?”

The redhead still looked suspicious, but he followed Yuudai to a quieter area nonetheless. “What do you want?”

“I need a place to stay tonight.” Yuudai forced himself to keep his body still and his eyes on the man before him, who immediately laughed.

“Are you serious? I don’t wanna get wrapped up into any of your drama! Why the hell would I let you crash at my place?”

“Well…” Yuudai examined his fingernails, using the moment to steady himself, before locking eyes once more. “See, last weekend, that drink you gave me…”  he trailed off, and saw he had hit the mark. The redhead was still and quiet. “If I really wanted to, I could probably tell that bouncer over there, or maybe even get the cops involved.”

“...are you blackmailing me?” The voice was deeper, trying for intimidating, but Yuudai refused to give ground.

“Let’s not get too hasty! Just, an agreement, okay? You let me stay for one night, I don’t have to go telling anyone about the awful things you tried to do or the awful things that happened because of it, yeah?” Yuudai smiled, but there was anger behind it. “Sounds good?”

Predictably, the redhead swore under his breath. “You guys are a piece of fucking work, aren’t you? How do I know you aren’t gonna rob me, and this is just some elaborate setup?”

“Yeah, that seems like a really sound business practice for the two of us, doesn’t it. No danger involved whatsoever. Besides, look at me.” Yuudai motioned to his skinny frame. “Shouldn’t I be the one afraid of you?”

“Don’t kid yourself, I wouldn’t touch crazy with a ten foot pole.”

The remark stung more than Yuudai was expecting, but he could survive knowing one stranger, especially this one, thinking he was insane. “Let’s go then,” he spat out, heading for the exit, only checking once to make sure the man was behind him.

The cold air was refreshing, and Yuudai stretched, enjoying the sharp feeling as it hit the briefly exposed skin. As he put his arms back down, he turned, and noticed the redhead just sort of looking at him, hands in his pockets. “Come on,” he motioned to the man. “Come over here, I need a boost.” Obediently, the stranger followed, until they were underneath the tree that thankfully still had Yuudai’s bag in the branches.

“...up there?” he pointed, and Yuudai nodded. Without protest, he cupped his hands together to make a step for Yuudai, and the blonde was able to jump up from it and grab one of the lower branches. With much swinging and shouting between the pair, Yuudai was able to grab ahold of the strap of the bag and pull it free, but the effort caused him to lose his grip on the branch, and then he was following.

Yuudai closed his eyes, trying to at least avoid the vertigo before the impact, but the impact never came. Slowly, he opened his eyes, and found himself looking at the redhead, who had managed to catch him.

“What the hell do you weigh?” the man asked, frowning, but there was a spark of interest too.

Reflexively, Yuudai felt himself go red, and he wriggled until the man simply set him down. “Thanks for catching me.” He walked over to his thrown bag and picked it up before dusting himself off. “Where to?”

The journey to the man’s home was extremely uncomfortable for Yuudai. Somewhere along the course of the night he seemed to have rekindled the man’s initial interest in him, and he found himself being asked probing questions, all of which he quickly shut down. In response the questions became gradually more and more inappropriate, Yuudai grew redder and redder, to the point where he practically sprinted off the train once the stop had come up. During the brief walk to the apartment, Yuudai shrugged off arms around his shoulders, sidestepped light touches, and by the time they arrived Yuudai was ready to lock himself in the man’s bathroom and sleep on the tile. Somehow, he managed to fight the urge.

A scan of the living area revealed a couch and a separate bedroom, and Yuudai eagerly threw himself on the sofa. “Want anything to drink?” the man offered. To his credit, when Yuudai was silent, he chuckled and added a “No, I guess you probably wouldn’t.” While the man rustled around in his kitchen area Yuudai fished his phone charger out of his bag and searched for a free outlet.

“Got anywhere I can charge my phone?” he finally asked when the man reentered the room. The redhead pointed to his bedroom, and with a sigh, Yuudai followed him in.

“Hey, I guess it’s a bit late to ask, but mind if I check you bag? Make sure there are no knives or anything in it? The outlet is over there.” Yuudai shrugged in response, finally plugging in his phone.

When he went back into the living room the man was crouched over the duffle bag, leafing through the clothes. “Dude, a ton of these clothes are humongous. I’m pretty sure they’d be too big for me.” He rolled his shoulders back, showing off his back muscles, but he had nothing on Shigeru, and Yuudai pushed the thought from his head.

“A long time ago I thought maybe I’d fill out when I was older, and it didn’t happen. Clothes are expensive.” Yawning, Yuudai stretched himself back on the couch.

Satisfied, the man placed the clothes back in the bag. “You’d look so much better in clothes that would actually fit.”

Yuudai was starting to get irritated with the questions, particularly where he could see them going. “Maybe I don’t wanna fucking look good.”

“Why not?” The man was closer now, hanging over the back of the couch Yuudai had sprawled on. He let a hand fall over the side and gently brushed the blonde’s arms. “You’re so slender, and you have such long limbs.”

“Didn’t know you were into the emaciated look,” Yuudai sneered, slipping back into old defense mechanisms.

Surprisingly, the man laughed. “I guess some people would be, wouldn't they. Never thought much of it myself.”

_ Good, _ Yuudai bit back, but kept it silent.  _ Now leave me the fuck alone. _ He knew he was being selfish, that he had barged back into this person’s life knowing it was dangerous, but it was much easier to respond to outright brutality or utter silence. This sort of soft, quiet not-quite-affection was alien to him, and right now it was  _ pissing him the fuck off. _

“Still…” the man kept going. He grabbed an arm of Yuudai’s and yanked it up, ignoring the yelp and feeling the limb. “You feel very… fragile, I guess. Like you’d shatter at the wrong touch. Makes people want to protect you.” Yuudai jerked the arm back and sat up quickly on the couch, but the man easily hooked his thumb under the collar and pulled it down, exposing the bandages covering the wound. “Or break you.”

The touch was like fire, and Yuudai leapt off the couch with surprising speed. He was red, partly from anger, and partly from embarrassment. “What the fuck are you doing? Did you forget why you let me in here to begin with?”

“Did you forget what you said earlier?” the man shot back. “That if anything, it should be you that was afraid of me?” Seeing the way Yuudai reacted, tensing up and subtly turning towards the door, had the man waving his hand dismissively. “Relax, I’m not into that. It’s no fun if someone isn’t enjoying themselves.”

“That’s fucking rich, coming from you!” Yuudai hissed, hackles raised.

“You’re the one who was on it,” the man answered, strangely calm. “Are you gonna say you didn’t enjoy it?” The look on the blonde’s face was all the answer he needed, and he grinned. “I got more of it, you know. We could both take it, it’d feel real nice.”

“Not on your fucking life.” Compulsively, Yuudai scratched at the bandages on his neck, trying to dig the feeling of teeth out from under his skin.

“Hey, that’s probably not good for it.” The redhead ran over and grabbed the wrist of the hand in question, gently pulling it away from the bandage. Instead of letting go, he stared at the hand, carefully pulling at one of the digits with his free hand. “God, your fingers are so slender,” he sighed. “I bet they’d make my dick look huge.”

This time when Yuudai jerked away he also pushed, sending the man tumbling to the floor. His breathing was sped up and the anger flooded through him like a tide. “If I fuck you, will you  _ shut the fuck up? _ ”

Surprise crossed the man’s face but it was quickly replaced by outright desire. He nodded towards the bedroom and Yuudai practically stormed into it, catching the man’s wrist and pulling him inside before finally pushing him to the bed. Obedient, the man scooted back on the bed until he was near the headboard, leaning back against a pillow so he could see Yuudai. The blonde followed him up and immediately undid the man’s belt, throwing it as far away as possible, earning him a raised eyebrow from the redhead. “Tch.” Impatient, Yuudai undid the man’s pants, pulling both them and the underwear down a bit, the man lifting his hips up to allow the motion. Without hesitation, Yuudai took the man’s half-hard dick in his hand, tugging it a few times until it was fully erect.

“It just kind of looks fatter,” the man breathed, and Yuudai squeezed a bit harder than necessary in response. He dipped his head down and swiped his tongue over the head of the cock. A quick intake of breathe was plenty of encouragement, so he opened his mouth and took the head inside, sucking at it lightly. “Shit, man,” the redhead cursed. “You don’t waste any fucking time, do you.” Forgoing a comment, Yuudai instead pulled back and licked the entire length, trying to moisten it before going deeper. Finally satisfied, he put his mouth over the tip once more, and opened his throat and took more of it into his mouth.

If Yuudai had cared enough to try he probably could have swallowed the entire cock, but he stopped about halfway and gripped the rest with a hand, stroking in time with the bobs of his head. His other hand was on the man’s hips, trying somewhat unsuccessfully to steady them and keep the other from thrusting into his mouth at his own pace, but the redhead seemed to be making an effort to keep himself still regardless. The taste was bitter and salty but not awful-  _ thank fuck this guy washes his dick- _ and Yuudai settled into a familiar rhythm, almost falling into muscle memory.

“God you’re good at this,” the man hissed, and Yuudai took that as his cue to stop. He pulled off with a pop and sat back on his haunches, wiping off his mouth on the sleeve of the shirt. A disappointed face looked back at him from the back of the bed.

“You’d better fucking have condoms and lube,” Yuudai threatened, and the man pointed to a dresser drawer. While Yuudai collected the aforementioned items the redhead took off all his clothes, causing Yuudai to actually snort when he turned back around. “You seem eager,” he deadpanned, pulling off his own pants and underwear before climbing back onto the mattress. “Gimme a sec.” Sitting up on his knees, Yuudai ripped open the packet of lube and coated a few of his fingers before setting it to the side.

The blonde shoved the first one inside faster than was wise and winced a bit at the slight burn, but set about opening himself up. A second finger was soon added and he sighed a bit as he brushed up against the prostate, allowing himself a bit of pleasure. Across the bed the stranger looked at him, eyes dark with lust, but remaining where he was. Yuudai smirked a bit at the picture, thrill running up his spine as he realized how much control he had over this situation. A third finger, and he pushed down against himself, mouth opening slightly and soft pants escaping. The redhead obediently stayed put, desperation in his eyes, and his arms twitched slightly as he fought the urge to move. “Hey, I’m still here…” he finally croaked out, eyes locked on Yuudai’s lower half.

Yuudai growled but pulled the fingers out. “Fine,” he snarled, and ripped open the condom. He rolled it onto the man’s dick with practiced ease and used more lube to slick the item before finally positioning himself on top of it. The redhead thrust up shallowly, hitting Yuudai’s thigh. “No,” he hissed, and the man stilled.

Slowly, achingly slow, Yuudai sank down onto the man’s cock. He sat there for a while, fully seated, allowing himself to adjust to the intrusion. The stretch felt fantastic, and knowing  _ he _ was the one deciding how things played out felt even better. Watching the man beneath him show obvious restraint, trying desperately not to thrust, filled him with a foreign sort of excitement, and Yuudai shivered. He began to move.

At first he took it slow, rising up and down with deliberate effort, pulling all the way up to the head before sinking back down. It felt incredible, and he could angle himself as he pleased, at times letting the thick cock barely brush up against his prostate and sometimes hitting it dead on. As he became more confident in his movements he picked up the pace, bouncing up and down with considerable force. The redhead extended a hand out and grabbed the edge of Yuudai’s shirt, pulling it up, but Yuudai slapped the man’s hand away and immediately slowed back down. “Keep your hands away,” he ordered, and the man obeyed.

Satisfied that he was being listened to, Yuudai sped back up, leaning back slightly so each thrust hit the right spot. He was panting now, breathy moans escaping from his lips, and he could hear the other man’s noises as well. The pleasure was like nothing else he’d experienced. Arata had always been in control, every motion up to him, and Shigeru had been gentle but firm. For once in his life everything was Yuudai’s decision, and the thought was exhilarating. He found himself slowing again, losing himself in the heady sensations.

“Could you… go faster again…?” the redhead asked, and Yuudai laughed.

“I’ll do whatever the fuck I want.” Despite the harsh response, Yuudai braced himself on the bed with his arms, and rode the man as hard as he possibly could.

“Oh my god…” the man panted. “Shit, I, didn’t mean like, I can’t hold on much longer...”

“Then fucking come,” Yuudai ordered, and the man obeyed.

Yuudai felt the man swell inside of him as he came, and the blonde milked him dry mercilessly. Exhausted, the redhead was limp on the bed, but while Yuudai settled back down, he didn’t pull off of the man either. “I don’t believe I’m finished,” Yuudai growled, pointing to his still hard cock. “Do something about this.”

The man reached a hand out hesitantly, but when it wasn’t swatted away he gripped the taller man’s cock and squeezed. Yuudai let out a breath, and the man pulled the blonde down by the collar of his shirt, giving him access to the partially bandaged neck. He pumped quickly, loving the sounds the blonde was making, and he gingerly bit down on the bandaged neck. Yuudai whined at the sensation, and then the man bit harder, and Yuudai came.

The orgasm was intense, and left Yuudai boneless and tired. He collapsed onto the redhead, who finally pulled out, tying off the condom and tossing it into the garbage. “Fuck, man,” the stranger laughed, running a hand through the short blonde hair. “I can see why that guy didn’t want anyone else to get their hands on you.

“Fuck off,” Yuudai whispered, and then he drifted off to sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuudai stayed with the stranger the next day as well. Both lazed around, eating, napping and fucking whenever the urge struck. On multiple occasions the redhead tried to pry personal information out of the blonde, but Yuudai refused to reveal as little as his name, and eventually the questions stopped. It was oddly relaxing, not having to worry about work, hiding or Arata, and instead focusing on indulgences. A part of Yuudai wished the day would stretch on forever, but night soon fell. Despite the warning of how early Yuudai would need to wake up for work, the redhead shrugged it off and the pair slept in the same bed.

True to his word, Yuudai’s phone alarm went off at an ungodly early hour. The redhead rolled over and grunted while Yuudai slipped out of bed, making his way to the bathroom to shower and get ready for work. Much to his surprise, when he was about to leave he found the stranger awake and waiting for him. “You heading out?” he asked.

Yuudai nodded while he double checked to make sure he had everything. “Thanks for letting me stay.”

“Hey man, if that’s what it’s gonna be like, you can stay over any time.” A wicked smile, and Yuudai rolled his eyes. The redhead straightened up and fished something out of his pocket; a piece of paper. “Seriously, though. If you need a place to crash hit me up.”

He didn’t want to, but Yuudai took the offered paper anyways. There was a phone number scribbled on it. “Sure,” Yuudai lied, and left. He threw the paper into the first trash can he found.


	10. Endlessly

Days passed without much happening. Every time he looked at the wound on his shoulder he wanted to distort it, but the memory of the pain always stopped him. On his next day off Yuudai forced himself to an internet cafe and distracted himself with manga and actually managed to perk up a little. He went into work Thursday in relatively high spirits, all things considered. It was busy, and the endless stream of customers helped him take his mind off of everything. The stock from Mura had been good for once, and the Sakana brothers mostly left him alone. For once, everything was going well.

It was near the end of the day and he was helping a customer choose a nice cut of tuna. This would likely be the last big sale, and as this person insisted on nothing but quality, it was going to be a pretty hefty sales boost. While Yuudai rattled of the finer points of the cut he went over a mental list of everything else he would have to do for the day. Tally the register, clean up, make sure all the remaining stock was on ice, things like that. He noticed Jiro approaching, probably to ask for help, and waved the man away, pointing to the woman he was currently assisting. Instead of backing off the younger man continued to advance, and when he finally reached Yuudai he grabbed onto his arm.

“I’m very sorry!” Jiro said, cutting Yuudai off mid-sentence. “There’s a bit of an emergency and I need my supervisor’s help! Our co-worker will be out in a second to finish helping you!”

“Jiro, what do you think you are doing-” but Jiro dragged Yuudai away with surprising force. They slipped through the back, the younger man ignoring the curses from his supervisor, and Jiro tapped Taro on the shoulder. They exchanged a quick look and then Taro moved to the front, bringing a bloody knife with him.

Furious but confused, Yuudai let himself be pulled out the back exit and up the ladder into the loft. “What the hell is going on?” Yuudai hissed, and Jiro simply pushed down on his shoulders, telling him to sit down.

“Arata,” Jiro answered, and Yuudai’s eyes went wide.

“H-how do you even know about him?” Yuudai stammered, dropping to the ground. “Didn’t you say Taisei wouldn’t tell you anything?”

“Well… Taro is a different story, and I pieced together the rest myself, but be quiet and hide for now.”

As if on cue, a familiar voice pierced through the relative silence, causing the blonde to flinch. “Yuudai!” Arata shouted. “I know you’re here! Get the hell out here!”

“Yuudai isn’t working today,” came the reply from Taro, dripping nonchalance. “I’m terribly sorry.”

“Like hell he isn’t! I know when he fucking works!”

“Apparently not.”

“YUUDAI!” He was even louder this time. Yuudai covered his ears with his hands, trying to block the sound out, but to no avail. “You can’t hide from me forever!”

“You need to leave,” Taro growled, barely audible from the loft. “You’re causing a scene and scaring away customers.”

“I’m not fucking leaving until I see Yuudai,” Arata spat back, followed by a crash. “Go ahead and call security or whatever, it won’t matter.”

“I don’t need to call security to deal with you.” Another crash. “If you don’t leave right now I’ll slit your fucking throat.”

“I’d like to see you fucking try!” Thuds, crashes, and screams made it evident a fight had broken out. Yuudai curled up, trying to ignore everything.

“HEY!” A new voice; Chie. “I called the cops! Get lost!”

“Tch. Yuudai!” The noise died down, but Arata was still yelling. “I know you’re listening! You can’t run away forever!” His voice broke suddenly, and he cursed. “I’ll find you no matter what!”

Slowly but surely, the violent noises faded away. Jiro glanced over the balcony, then gently shook Yuudai’s shoulder. “He’s gone.”

It took a minute, but Yuudai finally sat up. He glanced at Jiro and saw concern on his face. Immediately he looked away, down at his legs, and realized he was shaking. Even the fish market wasn’t safe anymore. He didn’t need to look to see what was happening down below- the whispers, the customers avoiding the stall, the stock strewn everywhere from the fight. Arata would ruin everything if he stayed here. He couldn’t let anything happen to the stall. “Go get Ren.”

“A-are you okay?” Jiro stuttered, reaching out a hand.

“ _ Now, _ ” Yuudai hissed, and Jiro jerked back. For a moment the younger man looked like he was going to say something, but instead he nodded and climbed back down the ladder.

The wait was excruciating. Yuudai tried to slow his breathing and calm himself, but the panic kept rising no matter what he did. Every second he expected to see Arata climb the ladder and seize him, grip his throat with his strong hands and choke the life out of him for daring to defy him. It wasn’t safe. Nowhere was safe. He would never be safe.

Soft thuds of feet on the ladder jerked Yuudai out of his reverie, and for a moment he was terrified, but the person the appeared was only Ren. “Yuudai?” the man began, worry in his voice. “What on earth happened?”

“I…” Yuudai trailed off, rubbing his shoulder with a free hand. “I need to quit.”

Ren walked over to Yuudai and sat in front of him. The man was so huge that seeing him sitting cross-legged before the skinnier man was almost comical. “May I ask why?”

Yuudai winced. He had to be honest or Ren would never let him get away with this. “He… as long as I’m here, he’ll keep coming back. It’ll drive away customers, and someone could get hurt.”

“Are you talking about that ruckus I heard earlier?” Yuudai nodded. “Are you in trouble?”

“It’s… not serious, but I can’t let him ruin your business.”

“Don’t be silly, Yuudai. He won’t ruin anything. We can ban him from the market.”

“It won’t matter.” Yuudai sighed. “I’ve made up my mind.”

“Can you work the rest of this week?” Yuudai shook his head, and it was Ren’s turn to sigh. “This puts a lot of pressure on me, you know.”

“...I’m sorry. I don’t have a choice.”

“Are you sure about this? There’s nothing I can do to get you to stay? You’re a good worker, Yuudai, and I’d hate to lose you.”

“This is all my fault.” Trying to keep his composure, Yuudai clenched his hands into fists, digging his nails into his palms. “I made some bad decisions and now I’m paying for it.”

Ren reached out a hand and ruffled Yuudai’s hair. “I’m sure that’s not true. If you really think you need to quit, I won’t stop you. What do you want to do about the rest of your pay?”

“Could you… give it to Shigeru? Tell him it’s for Hime.”

“Can do. I’m sorry to see you go, Yuudai. If you ever feel like coming back there will always be a job waiting for you.”

“...thank you.” Yuudai forced himself to smile. The pair talked for a bit more, working out the specifics of Yuudai leaving, and then Ren shook Yuudai’s hand, gave him a slap on the back, and left.

When Yuudai finally went back the to stall he found Jiro waiting for him. “What were you two talking about?”

Yuudai shrugged. “I wanted to ask him if I could leave early today, that’s all. I’m going home now.”

Jiro frowned, but didn’t push the matter. “Well… alright. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” Yuudai lied, and gathered his things and left the fish stall for good.

 

* * *

 

 

There were a few loose ends Yuudai had to tie up before he could leave town. First, Taisei. He sent a text ‘explaining’ that he had gotten into a huge fight with the brothers and asking him not to talk to the pair about him for a while, figuring that the man would trust him and not ask any questions. The next one would be harder. He pulled out his phone and dialed his mother’s number. After a few rings, she picked up.

“Yuudai?”

“Hi, mom,” Yuudai replied. “Sorry to call so suddenly.”

“It’s fine! How are you doing?”

“...not great.” He took a deep breath. “I had to quit my job. I’m not going to be able to send money for a bit.”

“Is everything alright?” The worry was evident in her voice, and a pang of guilt shot through Yuudai.

“It’s nothing I can’t handle.”

“Do you want to come home?”

“No… I’ll be fine. I’ll find another job soon, I promise.”

“Don’t worry about me, sweetie, I’ll be fine. Are you sure you’re okay?”

_ No, _ Yuudai wanted to say,  _ I’m not okay. _ Instead he reassured her that he would be fine. Normally he would tell his mother everything, but he had dragged enough people into his mess, and the last thing he wanted to do was make his mother worry even more. The two talked for a bit, and Yuudai felt a bit calmer. They exchanged goodbyes, and Yuudai hopped a train and rode it far away.

The days that followed went by slowly. Yuudai knew he should be looking for a new job and a place to stay, but he was afraid to stay in one town for too long, convinced Arata would somehow discover him, and soon he was jumping at every shadow. Fear stopped him from repeating the nights with the redheaded stranger with someone new; despite how smoothly it had gone that particular time, all he could think about was all the ways it could possibly go wrong, and so he grew accustomed to nights on park benches, under bridges and in tubes in playgrounds. He went to bath houses sparingly, trying desperately to conserve his funds, only going when he began to notice a smell or couldn’t take the dirt any longer.

Every so often he would text Taisei and the two would talk for a while. It couldn’t last forever; the taller man would have to discover the truth eventually, but until that time came the conversations brought him a modicum of happiness. He was sitting beneath a tree, eating a small meal, when his phone rang. The display read ‘Tachibana Taisei’ and Yuudai recognized that he had finally run out of time.

“Hello?” Yuudai answered, knowing this conversation would be unpleasant.

“...Yuudai?” It was quiet, a tinge of hurt in the tone.

“What’s up?” It was difficult to keep his voice steady, but Yuudai managed.

“What’s going on?”

“What do you mean?”

“I… I went to the fish market today to pick up Jiro, and you weren’t there.”

Maybe if he kept lying everything would work out. “Oh… I’m a little sick, I, uh, stayed home today.”

“Didn’t you say they were renovating your apartment?”

“...yeah.”

“Yuudai…” Taisei paused. “I’m at your apartment right now.”

The blonde almost dropped the phone in shock. This was it- the fantasy had ended.

“I don’t understand.” After getting no response from Yuudai, Taisei kept talking. “I told you that if I was bothering you, all you had to do was say so and I’d leave you alone…”

“No!” Yuudai interrupted before he could stop himself. “That’s not it!”

“Then why would you go this far to lie to me?” The pain in his words was clear. “I know I’m annoying-”

“It’s not that! I told you! I wouldn’t have texted you at all if I was avoiding you!”

“Why are you being so evasive? Can’t you talk to me? ...I thought we were friends.”

_I_ _ don’t want friendship from you, _ Yuudai swallowed. Instead, he said nothing.

“Are you hiding from me?”

“It’s not  _ you  _ I’m hiding from!” Instantly, Yuudai realized what he had said, and slammed his phone shut, ending the call.  _ Shit. _ Unsurprisingly, the phone began ringing immediately, but the blonde threw the phone into his bag and put his head in his hands.  _ He was the one person I didn’t want to know.  _ Frustrated and verging on hysterical, Yuudai pulled at his hair, grabbing it in fistfuls and squeezing.  _ I don’t want him to hate me. Not him. _

It took a long time but the ringing finally stopped. Appetite gone, Yuudai wrapped the remaining food up and threw it into his bag. Two days later his phone ran out of battery, and eventually the phone charger fell to the bottom of his bag, forgotten.


	11. Thoughts of a Dying Atheist

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. Yuudai got increasingly good at finding warm spots to hide and sleep. When money was running low he’d look for odd jobs or temp work and move on once they ended. At first he sought out bathhouses almost every day, concerned about his shoulder injury, but eventually the wound closed up, leaving only a curved scar behind. From time to time he would think about everyone he had left behind; Shigeru, Hime, Taisei… it hurt at first, but time helped numb the pain, and before long he thought of them less and less, and it was easier to keep going alone. The one person he never stopped thinking about was his poor mother. After a particularly cold night had kept him from sleeping, he swallowed his pride, bought a train ticket and went to see her.

She welcomed him with open arms and no questions. She had been concerned that she hadn’t heard from her son in so long, and Yuudai had cringed when he heard that, but she had only hugged him and told him it was all okay. He stayed for several days, helping around the house, and left money when he departed. The visit had cheered him up significantly and he decided to head out to Jinbocho and spend the day ‘browsing’ manga in one of the bookstores there.

The train was fuller than usual, and Yuudai was confused until he realized it was Saturday. Keeping track of the days was difficult without his phone and he often lost track of the date, although it wasn’t particularly important most of the time. Once he arrived, he sought out a bookstore a decent distance away, found a spot to settle in, and surrounded himself with used manga.

Occasionally he would glance up to make sure no one was giving him the stink eye. Not many people came into the store so he was able to read in peace, until he looked up and saw something that made him drop the book he was holding. There was a man close by, with his back turned, a freakishly tall and lanky man. His hair was bit longer and shaggier, but there was no denying who it was; Taisei.

Very quietly, Yuudai sat down his book and crept away. He hid himself behind a bookshelf, safely out of the man’s potential line of sight, but he couldn’t bring himself to look away. The man turned, and Yuudai held his breath, unable to look away, waiting for that dazzling smile, and--

It wasn’t Taisei. The man had thick, square framed glasses on, a touch of fuzz on his chin, and his bangs had been cut so you could actually see his eyes. The resemblance was uncanny, and Yuudai could have sworn he was looking at some alternate reality version of the friendly giant. Letting out his breath, he turned away, deciding to leave just to be safe, and almost ran into a person behind him. The stranger was tall, taller than Taisei’s double, and his mouth was hanging open in shock, his expression unreadable behind the hair covering his eyes.

_ Oh. _ Yuudai’s eyes widened, but he felt remarkably calm.  _ That’s Taisei. _

“Y-Yuudai?” the man squeaked, and instantly Yuudai was lifted off the ground in a crushing embrace. “Ohmygod! It’s really you! I finally found you!”

“Found… me?” The blonde was having difficulty processing what was happening, his mind racing.

“I’ve been looking for you for so long! You just vanished! I was so worried!” Taisei finally set the smaller man down. He was bouncing up and down on his toes, a broad grin on his face. “Every weekend I’d go somewhere and ask around, but it never worked! My brother kept telling me I needed to relax and let it go, and he convinced me to come spend the weekend with him, and I kept turning him down until now and then I found you when I wasn’t even looking for you! Ahahaha!”

“You were looking for me?” Yuudai frowned, not understanding what the taller man was saying. “Why?”

“Because you disappeared!” The smile on Taisei’s face was faltering, but he kept up the cheerful attitude. “Your phone was disconnected so I couldn’t get through anymore! After what you said to me the last time I talked I… I was so afraid something had happened to you!” Tears were rolling down the man’s cheeks now. “It sounded like you were in danger! I… what if you were  _ dead _ , Yuudai, and we’d n-never know!” He finally broke down, wrapping his arms around the blonde’s shoulders and sobbing. “I-I’m so glad you’re okay!”

Heat rose to Yuudai’s cheeks, and he rapidly looked around the store, searching for a way out, help, or  _ something _ . He locked eyes with the Taisei clone who had moved over to where the pair was, and much to his surprise, he saw his duffle bag in the man’s hands. He motioned towards the exit, and Yuudai followed him out, dragging the still attached Taisei with him.

The trio found a bench to sit on. Taisei refused to release his grip on Yuudai, sobbing endlessly into his shoulder while the blonde awkwardly patted his head in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. The bespectacled man sat beside Taisei, the duffle bag on his lap, and he quietly stared. It would have been manageable if he had been staring at the distraught giant, but of course the man- Taisei’s brother, Yuudai had pieced together- was staring at the blonde, expressionless. Yuudai kept glancing at the quieter companion, hoping his gaze would be elsewhere, but those piercing eyes were always locked onto his face. As Taisei started to settle down, he glanced over once more and found the man in the exact same position, except for a thumb and pinky finger stretched out next to his ear, and Yuudai nearly shrieked. Phone? Was he asking about his phone? The blonde shakily pointed to his duffle bag, and the man unzipped it and rifled through his belongings, finally pulling out the long dead phone and discarded charger. Seemingly satisfied, he stood up, set the bag back down where he had been sitting, and left with the two items.

Not long after that, Taisei released Yuudai and straightened up, wiping the last of the tears from his eyes. The taller man looked around, noticing the pair were now alone. “Where d-did Genkei go?” he stammered, still a little choked up.

“Is that, um, your…” Yuudai gestured off to the side, unsure how to finish the sentence.

“My brother. The guy who was just with me.”

“He… I think he took my phone and then left.”

“Your phone! Is it okay?”

“Yeah, it just…” Yuudai scratched the back of his neck sheepishly. “After the last time we talked I just shut it off and let it die.”

“But Yuudai!” Taisei drew out the blonde’s name, almost whining, a huge frown on his face. “Why would you do that? How did you talk to anyone?”

Yuudai looked at his feet, a blush creeping onto his face. “I didn’t.”

“You’ve been alone this whole time? That’s awful! How did you stand it?!”

“Well… the only one I really talked to anyways was you…” Yuudai immediately clammed up, bright red. Just stop talking. Don’t say anything else.

Expecting a laugh, Yuudai was taken aback when instead Taisei’s expression softened. “Yuudai…” he began, voice surprisingly quiet. “When are you going to come home?”

The blonde’s heart jumped out of his throat, and he half expected to see it laying on the ground in front of him.  _ Not like that. He doesn’t mean that. Don’t misunderstand. _ “I’m not going back,” he forced himself to spit out. “Besides, it’s been several months. I doubt I still have a home to go back to.”

“Why not?” Taisei pressed. “Didn’t you love the fish market?”

Yuudai choked out a laugh. “Early hours, low pay, constant fish smell? Definitely my dream job.”

“Then why did you leave to protect it?” Yuudai froze, and risked a glance at Taisei. The brunette had a somber expression, but behind the sadness in his eyes lay a sharp intelligence. “Yuudai… please tell me. Who  _ is _ Arata?”

Maybe it was finally time to stop lying.

Yuudai was silent for a long time, before sighing loudly. “I guess there’s not really any point in trying to avoid this now, is there?” He smiled, but it was obviously fake. “Arata is… my ex.”

Taisei nodded, not looking very surprised. “I had a feeling that might have been the case. But why would you date someone like that?”

A bit pissed off, Yuudai narrowed his eyes dangerously. “Give me a little credit. He wasn’t like that at first... We were together a long time.”

“How long?”

“...five years.” Taisei’s eyes widened, but Yuudai continued. “It was great for a long time, but things started getting worse. We’d fight a lot, sometimes even throwing punches, and eventually it seemed like that’s all we’d ever do.”

“He hit you?!” The brunette’s mouth was wide open in shock.

“We hit each other,” Yuudai corrected, waving it away.

“So you broke up, right?”

“Well…” Yuudai trailed off, and buried his face in his hands. “He was all I really had. I was kind of friends with Shigeru, but we never really talked outside of work, you know?” He decided not to bring up the fact that despite everything else, the sex had still been really,  _ really _ good. “Anyways, one night we were both drunk and yelling at each other, and he grabbed a bottle and just chucked it, and it hit me right here.” Yuudai pointed to the cross shaped scar on his cheek. “That was the end of that.”

“He threw a bottle at you?!” Taisei actually looked angry, an expression Yuudai hadn’t seen since Jiro’s first date.

“I doubt he was trying to hit me with it, but he did anyways.” Sighing yet again, Yuudai straightened up and leaned back against the bench, looking at the sky. “I never technically broke up with him, but I never contacted him again after that, and he didn’t contact me.”

“Until recently…?” Taisei prompted, making some connections of his own.

Yuudai flashed a thumbs up, refusing to take his eyes of the sky for this part. “It gets pretty embarrassing for me here. Remember that Saturday, after Jiro’s date, when we all got really drunk?”

“Yeah! I still remember everything!” The excitement in the other man’s voice seemed misplaced, but Yuudai ignored it and continued.

“Well… at some point, I texted Arata.”

“Whaaaaaaaaaat?” Taisei’s face was one huge, comical frown, and coming from anyone else it would have come off as mocking. “Why? What did you text him?”

Yuudai finally pulled his head back up so he could rub the back of his neck sheepishly. “I have no idea. I don’t remember anything from that night.. I was too afraid to check it, and when Arata eventually showed up at the fish market to talk about it, he deleted the text from my phone and said it didn’t matter.” He paused for a moment, slowly propping his head up with his hands. “That… sounds really pathetic now that I’ve said it out loud.”

“It’s not pathetic! He seems really pushy, and kinda scary! He even punched me!” Still frowning, Taisei pointed to his formerly injured cheek, as if to emphasize the point.

“Well…” Yuudai tried to cover his wince at the mention of the scuffle. Thinking about how he had gotten other people dragged into this whole mess with Arata, much less  _ injured _ , was enough to make him shut up and start running, but Taisei deserved an explanation if he had really been searching like he said. “He wasn’t like that before? Not like this, really.” For the hundredth time, Yuudai sighed. “Arata was always… just sort of all talk. I mean, he could be violent, just in general!” Yuudai added hastily, noting the taller man’s darkened expression. “Sometimes he’d have to rough someone up at work, as a bouncer, but we both knew he might as well have been twice my size. There was never really force behind anything, and it was never out of nowhere, just when things got heated, and it practically became a part of f…” Taisei was looking intently at Yuudai, head cocked at the pause. The blonde had very nearly let something a bit too personal slip. There was no reason for him to know  _ that _ much, after all. “A part of fighting?”

“Aren’t you running because you’re afraid of him?”

A shiver wracked Yuudai’s thin frame and he could do nothing to stop it. The brunette wrapped his long arms around the older man and patted his head. “When he showed up again… at the fish market, he seemed normal. I know I shouldn’t have gone with him  and it didn’t take long for him to be a fucking prick again, but I thought I could get back at him.” Yuudai pushed himself out of Taisei’s arms, immediately crossing his in front of his body, unconsciously protecting himself. “He changed though.”

“All bite and no bark?” Taisei supplied, which earned him a raised eyebrow from Yuudai.

“Have you been hanging out with Shigeru?”

“Yuudai, keep talking.”

Startled by the uncharacteristically stern tone the younger man had suddenly adopted, Yuudai stood up, restless. “You already know the rest! He’s actually dangerous now, and I don’t know why! He was always weirdly jealous, making up these crazy ideas about what I did when I wasn’t with him, but now he’s actually attacking people. The day I left he showed up at the stall and made a huge fucking scene! It’s like I’m being followed by a hurricane!”

“Yuudai.” Taisei stood up and put his hands on his hips, frowning down at the man. “You’re leaving something out.”

“I’m not,” Yuudai protested, but his hand, his traitorous hand, shot up to cover up the newer scar already concealed by his clothing. “I just didn’t want him to ruin Ren’s business. I owe him a lot.”

“You know…” Taisei’s frowned relaxed into a more neutral expression. “I’m not oblivious. I knew something happened the day the three of you worked. Jiro was twice as fidgety and Taro was twice as angry. I wanted to wait until you told me, about Arata, and what he was doing. But I guess you never would have.”

Yuudai drooped. His arm fell to his side and his head tilted down towards the ground. Yeah. This made sense. Taisei should just give up on him, it would be for the best.

“...so I’ll just have to find out myself!”

The next few seconds, it seemed like time had slowed down. Taisei lunged at Yuudai’s shoulder, grabbing the collar of his shirt right next to his scar. Yuudai snapped his head up in time to see the crazed excitement in the taller man’s eyes and the face rapidly moving closer, and let out a decidedly unmanly scream. Trying to escape, he twisted his body around, away from the giant, but all he did was unbalance the pair, and they tumbled to the ground gracelessly. When the dust settled, Taisei was flat on top of Yuudai, and their limbs were entangled in an undignified sprawl. The collar of Yuudai’s shirt had been pulled back, exposing the scar on his shoulder.

Yuudai realized what had happened first and he lay on the ground, unmoving, staring blankly at the clear sky. Not long after, Taisei propped himself up on his elbows, eyes locked onto the exposed skin. “Wha…? Yuudai, what the heck is this?”

It was over. He had seen. The one person Yuudai hadn’t wanted to know had seen. He'd figure it out eventually, piece everything together. Figure out how shameless, broken and used he was.

“Is this a bite mark?! Did Arata do this?”

Yuudai turned his head away. He couldn’t bear to see the look of disgust on the other man’s face.

“What did he do? Is this why you’re so afraid of him?”

It was humiliating, being raped, and taking pleasure from it. Arata hadn’t even had the decency to make it hurt. Yuudai supposed it was only fair; he got what he had deserved, sticking around someone who had scarred him once already.

“Yuudai…”

Right at the end, when he had come and Arata had bitten him, he couldn’t even remember what he had felt more of, the pain or the pleasure. He was fucking disgusting.

“Why won’t you look at me?!”

A drop of wetness fell onto Yuudai’s cheek, causing him to turn and look at Taisei. The brunette’s face was screwed up with sorrow, and tears started to roll down his cheeks. “Taisei?” Yuudai began, taken aback. “Why are you crying?”

“B-because!” he sniffled. “Something h-horrible must have happened t-to you and you l-look like you d-don’t even c-c-care!” He began to sob, and collapsed onto the blonde, burying his face into Yuudai’s shoulder, on top of the scar. “Yuudai!” Taisei wailed. “Why aren’t you crying?”

Yuudai wasn’t crying partly because he never cried, but mostly because he was in shock. Never in a million years would he have predicted this sort of reaction. “There there?” He patted the brunette’s head gently.

“It’s not okay!” Taisei choked out between sobs. “ _ You’re _ not okay!”

All at once it was like a weight had been lifted from Yuudai’s shoulders. He  _ wasn’t _ okay, and hadn’t been for a long time, but he had ignored that for as long as he could. It had always felt like an overreaction, like he was just being dramatic. For the first time, he felt like maybe, after everything, he really shouldn’t have been expected to come out unscathed.

They laid like that for a while, in the dirt. Taisei continued to cry, every so often choking out a few words, and the hand Yuudai had been patting the brunette’s head with fell limp, resting on the soft strands. It felt like Taisei was crying for the both of them. Every sob from the giant soothed Yuudai, and soon he felt a feeling of calmness he had long since written off as unreachable. Almost automatically, the blonde wrapped his arms around the other’s neck, pulling them closer, and he closed his eyes, listening to the sounds of anguish. He really couldn’t cry. Never had been able to. He had always assumed somewhere along the line something really upsetting would set him off and he’d finally do it, but he only ever got angrier and angrier. It had always seemed like crying was almost relaxing, and you felt better afterwards, but instead he only ever felt furious and awful. A part of him envied everyone else, even the ones embarrassed by their tears. So he lay still, embracing the younger man, and pretended it was him that was crying.

Bit by bit, Taisei settled down, and when he was reduced to sniffling, Yuudai opened his eyes. “Thank you,” he whispered, and let go.

The pair sat up, Taisei wiping his eyes, Yuudai fixing his shirt. “I’m sorry,” Taisei stuttered, looking away.

“Don’t be.” Yuudai smiled, small, but genuine. “I’m not sure if anyone has ever cried for me before.”

Taisei’s head snapped forward at that, and looked right at Yuudai, gaze piercing through the bangs. “I…” the younger man began, sounding uncharacteristically hesitant. “Yuudai, I…” He reached out a hand.

At first Yuudai met the gaze, but his eyes flicked upwards, scanning the area out of nervous habit. They reached the empty bench, except it  _ wasn’t empty. Someone was sitting on the bench. _

With a shriek, Yuudai sat bolt upright, body tensing, ready to run, all the calmness gone in a flash. “Yuudai?!” Taisei’s voice was high as well, likely startled, and he whipped around to see what the blonde was looking at. “Oh! Genkei’s back!”

“When did he?” Yuudai’s voice climbed another octave, nerves fraying. “I didn’t hear anything! How long has he…?”

“Aw, he just does that! Don’t worry about it!” Taisei, for his part, seemed fully recovered, chortling as he waved at his brother. The eerily silent man on the bench waved back, absorbed in his phone. He had an older phone, some crummy green flip phone. It seemed a bit odd, since Taisei wasn’t exactly poor or stingy with his money, but he had tried his hardest to spruce it up and personalize it. A cute little cat charm dangled from the bottom.

Yuudai narrowed his eyes. “Is… that my phone?”

“Oh!” Taisei sprang up, trotting over to his brother, standing behind the bench and looking over his shoulder. “It is! He must have charged it for you!”

_ Great. _ Yuudai remained seated in the dirt, refusing to go closer to the cursed object.  _ This will only go well. _

The brothers were silent for a while, staring at the phone screen, until Genkei wordlessly held out the object to Yuudai. “You should probably see this,” Taisei translated, beckoning Yuudai over.

“I don’t want to.” The blonde stubbornly crossed his arms. “It’s just going to be a billion threatening texts from that asshole, nothing new.”

But Taisei insisted, and Yuudai grudgingly stood up and joined them on the bench. His phone was shoved into his hands, and Taisei came around at sat beside the blonde, putting him between the brothers. “Start from the newest,” Taisei instructed, and Yuudai scrolled all the way to the top.

He had been half right. The amount of texts from Arata were staggering; his entire mailbox had been filled up, and it had begun to delete older messages to make room for the new ones. The tone of the messages, however, was nothing like he was expecting, but after all, the day had been full of nothing but surprises so far.

_ r u okay _ was the first one, and Yuudai read through the conversation backwards.  _ its been months _ after  _ YUUDAI _ preceded by  _ im worried.  _ Further in, another set;  _ R U STILL ALIVE  _ and  _ im srsly worried!!!1  _ and  _ plz just respond  _ and  _ im begging u _ . Texts upon texts upon texts, and not a single malicious word among them. Plenty of apologies were sprinkled in; assurances he would never do anything bad (not that Yuudai believed him), confessions of guilt, and wow, he just came out and said it all there, so much for keeping it vague for Taisei. Something about them all seemed strangely genuine, true panic permeating the messages, and it was all very… un-Arata like.

Dumbfounded, Yuudai looked away from the phone. Both men were watching his expression, though he made sure to turn towards Taisei and not Genkei. “This has gotta be another trick, right?”

“Maybe,” Taisei conceded. “But what if he’s serious? You could talk to him, get him to leave you alone, and come back!”

_ Talk _ to Arata? That was a terrifying thought. “What if he’s lying, like every other time?” Still, the messages bugged him. He was an expert when it came to Arata’s mind games, and this was definitely something completely new.

“Just text him first! Here!” Taisei seemed enthusiastic about the plan, waving his arms around wildly. “If he’s clearly lying, just chuck the phone, let it die again!”

“This doesn’t seem very smart,” Yuudai scowled.

“But Yuudaaaaai,” Taisei whined. “You’re already running, and homeless, and living out of a duffle bag! How much worse could it get?”

_ Murder _ was the immediate thought, but that never really seemed like Arata’s style. He loved having power over people far too much, and murder would cut that sick enjoyment short. Still, that was a sort of power, wasn’t it? Holding someone’s life in your hands?

The look on Yuudai’s face must have been alarming, because Taisei spoke up again. “If it gets really bad we’ll just let Taro take care of him!”

“I don’t think that counts as a plan,” Yuudai retorted, but he looked down to the phone. “Do you really think this is a good idea?”

“Not necessarily  _ good _ , but…” the taller man paused, and Yuudai looked up to see what the holdup was, only to find the man tucking his hair behind his ears in preparation.

“Okay!” Yuudai spat out, flustered and red. His phone shook in his hands, and try as he might, he couldn’t bring himself to still. A weight settled on his shoulder, and he turned in surprise, finding Genkei with his hand placed there reassuringly. Another weight, on the other side this time, and he looked there to find Taisei’s hand on his… thigh? Whatever, he’d worry about that later. The touches were comforting, soothing, and he scrolled back up to the newest message, took a deep breath, and hit ‘reply’.


	12. Sing For Absolution

“Are you really sure you want to do this?” Jiro was standing with his arms crossed, tapping his foot in a steady rhythm. Taro was beside him, looking bored, and Taisei was wrapped around Yuudai’s torso, wailing.

“I didn’t mean talk to him  _ in person! _ ” the brunette whined. Yuudai ignored him and tried once more to pry the giant off.

“I think it’ll be okay.” The blonde grunted with exertion; the younger man was like an octopus, infinitely flexible and impossible to remove. “I doubt he’d try anything with other people right in the next room over, anyways.”

“If he does anything just scream and Taro will save you!” Taisei interjected, resulting in an eyeroll from the aforementioned man.

“Riiiiiight.” Yuudai’s eyes darted around the room nervously. It was weird enough being in the trio’s apartment again after so long, and using it as a safe place to meet with his ex was even weirder. While it looked mostly the same, some of the furniture appeared to have been upgraded, the most obvious being a large flatscreen mounted to the wall where the much smaller television had been previously. “Uh… thanks again for letting me do this here.” He was trying not to think very hard about what was happening, for fear of chickening out or simply dying of the embarrassment. As far as he knew Taro had no idea what was going on, but the older brother also didn’t really seem to care much. Jiro might not have known the specifics, but he still knew far more than Yuudai was comfortable with.

“We’ll stay in here and you can use the other room, okay?” Still tapping his foot on the ground, Jiro unfolded his arms and gestured to the attached room. The trio used it as their bedroom, though all the futons were currently rolled up and shoved in a closet to make space. The younger man was trying his hardest to look calm, but the sweat and the slight shaking gave his nervousness away, and he wouldn’t meet Yuudai’s eyes. He supposed it was a bit much to take in, and they had never gotten along in the first place, but still… it sort of hurt.

“Taisei,” Taro sang, tapping the man on the shoulders. “You gotta let go, the guy’ll be here soon.”

“B-but-”

“Do you remember the instructions Yuudai gave you?” Jiro spoke this time. Taisei was certainly an adult, but he was also prone to overreacting, and had developed a sudden and powerful desire to never let Yuudai out of his sight ever since he had brought the skittish blonde back. Jiro had tried to not draw attention to it, Taro had consciously ignored it, and Yuudai, right now, was staring at the ceiling. “They might get loud, but that does not mean you can burst in there, alright?”

Grudgingly, the brunette released Yuudai and stood up. “Fine.” He wiped the snot away onto his sleeve. “You’ll be okay, right?”

It took a second for Yuudai to realize Taisei was talking to him. “Me?” He lowered his head, and scratched at his hair before shrugging. “Yeah, probably.”

Taisei looked far from satisfied, and was opening his mouth to say something when there was a knock at the door.

“He’s here,” Jiro whispered, looking far more frightened than he had any reason to.

“Yup,” Taro evenly replied, and he walked over to the door and swung it open.

Yuudai’s immediate impression of Arata was that he looked like total shit. His clothes were worn, the signature hat was missing, and there were dark bags under his eyes. They locked eyes, and Arata lit up, a cautious smile on his face. “Hey, bud,” he greeted softly.

Irritated with the older man’s sudden timidity, Yuudai turned and walked briskly into the attached room, and Arata trailed after him like a lost puppy. The blonde stopped at the doorway, waved the man inside, and grabbed the door, preparing to slide it closed. He caught a glimpse of Taisei’s desperate face on the other side, but didn’t hesitate, closing the door in one fluid motion.

The instant the door was closed he was caught in a crushing hug. His instincts kicked in and he prepared to struggle, but he could feel Arata’s face on his shoulder, and the other was just… standing there, holding him, not even making an attempt to nuzzle him or do something more inappropriate. “I’m so glad you’re alright,” he choked out, squeezing him tightly. “I was so afraid something had happened to you.”

All of the emotions coursing through Yuudai sent him reeling. Confusion stood out, beside shock. What the hell was this? Arata had  _ never _ acted like this before. One thing was for sure- the texts had been sincere. He recovered quickly, and shook the other man off, who released him willingly. He strode across the room before sitting on the floor, facing Arata. The older man looked deflated, almost, but sat down nonetheless.

“So,” Yuudai started. “You said you wanted to talk in person. Here I am.”

“First things first,” Arata replied, propping his head up on his hand. “You  _ are _ okay, right? Nothing bad happened to you while you were gone?”

“You mean after you?” Yuudai bit back, and the grimace it caused, now  _ that _ felt nice. “Yeah, it was fine. Cold at times, but fine.”

Arata sighed, relieved, but the worry was immediately replaced with stress. “God, I don’t even know where to begin.”

“I mean, an apology would be nice.” Yuudai could feel his anger building just by looking at the person across from him, and he ground his teeth. Maybe this had been a bad idea after all. “Don’t feel obligated or anything, not at all.”

Another wince. “I deserved that. I deserve a lot, honestly. Look, obviously, I’m sorry, who wouldn’t be after that?” Rage spiking, Yuudai clenched his hands into fists, but Arata shook his head and continued talking. “No, fuck, no, I’m so fucking bad at this, holy shit. I don’t know how to do this. Let me try again.” He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I’ve really, really hurt you, and I’m sorry.”

That… was the first real apology Yuudai had ever gotten, and his anger cleared a bit, and he cocked his head. “That’s a start, I guess. You know we’re never gonna be okay though, right?”

“I…” Arata was silent for a while, and in his face… was that hurt?  _ Good, _ Yuudai thought, and he felt the anger again. “Yeah. I fucked it up way too badly, didn’t I?” A laugh, mirthless as usual, but the tone behind it had changed.

“You could say that,” Yuudai spat, and Arata actually flinched away. The blonde turned away and crossed his arms.

“Yuudai.” Arata’s tone had changed; his voice was steadier now, more serious, and Yuudai turned back. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

_ Oh shit.  _ Yuudai’s eye’s widened, mind running through the possibilities.  _ There was that year in between, and who knows who or what he was doing. What did he fucking give me? I have to tell that redhead too, fuck, how do I even contact him? Is his number still in that trash can? _

“I love you.”

Now, Yuudai heard nothing. He felt as if someone had flipped a switch on his brain, shutting it off entirely. “I’m sorry?” he said quietly. “Could you say that again?”

“Yuudai, I’m in love with you, and I think I have been for a long time.”

There was a deafening roaring now, and Yuudai saw nothing. When his sight returned, Arata was seated further back, a stunned expression on his face, holding his cheek. Right, he’d punched him.

“What gives you the fucking right?” Yuudai shouted, feeling nothing but a white-hot rage. “How the fuck can you say that, after all these fucking years? After everything that’s fucking happened? That  _ you’ve _ done?”

“I know, I know!” Arata’s voice was raised now too, and he held out his arms, palms forward. “Listen to me for a second!”

“Give me one good fucking reason!”

“Because, that Saturday night, the one you texted… it wasn’t me.”

Shock hit Yuudai as suddenly as the rage, quelling it momentarily. He… hadn’t texted Arata? How was that possible?

“Well, you  _ did _ text me, but not on purpose. It was pretty obvious. You were drunk as shit, it was meant for someone else.”

“What… then  _ why? _ ” Nothing made sense anymore. If he hadn’t meant to text Arata, who the hell had it been for? What had the text even  _ said?  _ Had this really all been because of some fucked up misunderstanding?

“I used it as an excuse. I guess I knew on some level I fucked up with the bottle, but I felt like it wasn’t my fault. It had been an accident, so I thought it wasn’t fair to blame me, that you shouldn’t have been so angry.”

“But…” Yuudai trailed off, still reeling. “You called me a fucking cab! Then left me!”

“I was drunk! I thought I shouldn’t drive, and by the time I thought maybe I should have gotten in too, it was already gone.”

“So you fucking used that text as an excuse to see me again because you regretted not getting into the goddamn cab?”

“No! Not just that! I…” Now Arata looked away, running a hand through his tangled curls. “I kept waiting for you to text me, and before I realized it, a year had gone by. I jumped on the one chance I had gotten, but you were fucking terrified of me.”

“Turns out I had a fucking reason to be, huh?”

A flash of anger crossed Arata’s face, but he fought it down. “You weren’t fucking having any of it, I thought it was a miracle you agreed to go out with me on… well, at all, but especially on Saturday. Maybe it could have worked, just as friends, I thought just being around you would be enough to fix whatever the fuck was going on with me, but when I saw you with that guy, I lost it.”

Yuudai had gone quiet now, and Arata took it as a cue to keep talking.

“I couldn’t stand it, seeing you with someone else, it made me fucking insane. It made me violent, and I did… a lot of things I regret. When you disappeared at first I was still like that, but when I couldn’t get ahold of you, and found out no one else could either, it sort of… faded. I started thinking about where you had gone and what had happened to you and then I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I was going sick with worry. I think that’s when I realized that…”

“That you loved me?” Yuudai’s voice was low, and came through clenched teeth. In place of a reply, Arata simply nodded. “You sure have a fucked up way of showing it, if that’s the case.”

Once again, Arata nodded, and Yuudai was taken aback by how easily the man had agreed. “I... this is gonna sound so cheesy, shit.” A forced laugh. “I honestly thought love wasn’t a real thing, that it was just a load of bullshit people talk about to justify staying together when in reality they’re too afraid of being alone. No one’s ever fucking shown me any of it, so it just seemed fake, right?”

_ I can fucking relate to that.  _ Despite himself, Yuudai nodded.

“So I didn’t recognize it. It just seemed like this weird feeling that made me uncomfortable and irrational. I hated it, and I took it out on you, because I hated that you made me feel like that. You drove me crazy, and it pissed me off that no one else seemed to be affected.”

Something clicked into place. “Is that why you got so jealous? Always thought I was sleeping around? Because you thought everyone else saw me like you did?”

“Pretty much, yeah.” Arata was relaxing, some of the stress starting to leave his face. “I couldn’t figure out why the idea of you with someone else pissed me off so much, so I just decided to make it so you’d never leave and I wouldn’t have to think about it.”

Yuudai stiffened.  _ This _ was the reason Arata had treated him like shit and constantly insulted and belittled him? Out of some twisted form of love? He clenched his fists. “Do you think that makes everything okay?”

“No! Of course not! I just…”

“Get out.”

Arata’s eyes widened in surprise. “...Yuudai?”

“I don’t want to listen to any more of this shit.”

“Wait, Yuudai, you don’t understand--”

“I’m pretty fucking sure it’s  _ you  _ that doesn’t get it.” Yuudai was on his feet now, the rage back, invigorating. “Do you realized just how much you’ve fucking done to me? Almost  _ every single thing _ that’s fucked up about me is  _ your fault _ .” His voice was deafening, the neighbors could probably all hear ( _ Shigeru _ could hear) but he didn’t care. “I’m not just talking about recently. The entire fucking time I was dating your sorry ass, even when it seemed good on the surface, you were instilling all these tiny little negative thoughts and ideas, and they’ve stuck with me and grown, consumed my entire fucking life. You know what? I actually had fucking friends before you drove them all away.”

“I--”

“Now? I’m not even sure I’m capable of having friends. And you wanna talk about the recent stuff? Fine. How about the fact that the  _ least _ fucked up thing you’ve done in recently is  _ throw my fucking cat against the wall? _ I’ve given you plenty of chances, more than I should have, more than you deserve. This is far too little, far too late.” The blonde’s chest rose and fell, his breathing hard, and the wind dropped out of his sails. He dropped his arms to his sides, which had been making furious gestures previously, and was quiet.

Silence hung in the room. As the anger left Yuudai he felt hollow, like there was a void he could not fill. Arata eventually spoke up. “I knew you’d react like this.”

Yuudai looked up at the other man, too tired to be angry, and saw him standing. “Do you want fucking points or something? A trophy?”

“No, I just…” His face was pained, and his hands went up automatically to adjust a hat that wasn’t there. “I just wanted you to know why.”

He turned and started to leave, but Yuudai stopped him with a word. “Arata.” The older man looked back for the last time and found Yuudai staring into the wall, refusing to look at him. “That night, when you broke in… at first, I was afraid you were going to kill me.” At last, he faced him, and in his expression, there was nothing. “By the time you were done, I was wishing you had.”

Arata nodded, then he opened the door and finally left. 


	13. Falling Away With You

Moments after Arata had left another person came tearing into the room, running full force into Yuudai, knocking them both against the closet door. The force knocked the door off it’s track and all the futons fell out, partially burying the two people as they collapsed to the floor.

“What the FUCK-” Yuudai started, but soon heard a familiar wailing. “Taisei?”

“Yuuuuuudaaaaaaaaai!” Taisei sobbed, and Yuudai was struck by how familiar it already sounded. “That was so scary!”

“...sorry,” Yuudai apologized, patting the brunette’s head.

“No! Aren’t you  _ upset? _ ”

“I don’t know.” The blonde shrugged. “I just kinda feel like nothing.”

Taisei propped himself up on his elbows and looked down at Yuudai, wearing a serious expression. “Yuudai, if you can’t cry… I’ll cry for you again, okay? Over and over. Until you can cry too.”

This was a moment where Yuudai could imagine a normal person crying, but he wasn’t normal. Instead he blushed deeply, and pushed the brunette off. “The crying part of me is just broken, don’t concern yourself with that.” He stood, and made for the door.

“Yuudai, none of you is broken!” Yuudai glanced back, and saw Taisei getting to his feet, a determined look in his eye.

“C’mon man, you probably heard all that, right? You don’t have to try to act normal anymore, Taisei.” He kept walking, stopping again just past the doorway as he heard Taisei following.

“I’m not pretending to act normal!” Taisei stomped a foot on the ground in a very childish manner. “Stop saying bad things about yourself!”

“Wow, are you serious? Why are you acting like you care?” The jabs and sarcasm felt safe, reassuring. Best to keep everyone at bay like always, act like nothing had changed.

“Because I do care!”

Yuudai went red, but he balled his hands into fists. “Stop saying stuff like that,” he muttered. “You’ll give people the wrong idea.”

“Maybe _ you _ have the wrong idea!” And Taisei surged forwards, grabbed Yuudai by the shirt collar, pulled him closer and kissed him.

It was sloppy- Taisei pulled too hard at first and knocked their heads together, and when they finally connected the angle was awkward. Yuudai gasping in shock didn’t help either, and it ended with their teeth clashing, Taisei crying out as Yuudai accidentally bit his lip. “You were  _ way  _ better at that drunk!”

“You can’t just surprise me like that!” Yuudai’s hair was on end, and he was hunched over, covering his mouth. “Wait, you  _ remember?” _

“Of course I remember!” Taisei exclaimed, wiping away the spot of blood. “ _ You  _ remember? I thought you had forgotten!”

“Well…” Yuudai trailed off. “I mean, I did, but Jiro told me about it.”

“See? It’s fine!”

“No, no, it’s sinking in now.” The blonde’s hackles were raised, and he hunched over further, trying to present a smaller target. “I’m leaving now, goodbye.”

“Nooooooo! Yuudai, don’t run away!” Taisei whined. Yuudai didn’t get far, however, as his foot softly connected with something soft and furry, and it let out a short “eep”.

“Wait…” Yuudai looked down in shock, hesitating before picking the white cat up. “H-Hime?”

“MOW!” She answered excitedly, overjoyed at the sight of her long-lost owner. She meowed rapidly and loudly, tail twitching in happiness, and pawed frantically at Yuudai’s arms. “MowowowowowoooooowowowowWWOWOowowow! MOW!”

“Where did she come from?” Yuudai murmured, matching the cat’s wide-eyed expression.

Taisei took this opportunity to drape himself over the short man’s arms, reaching around him on both sides to stroke the cat. The motion caused the blonde to stiffen, standing bolt upright, locking every joint in his body. “See?” He whispered, smiling softly at Yuudai, who gulped. “It’ll be okay.”

“M’I int’ruptin’ somethin’?” A familiar voice rang out from the living room, and Yuudai dropped Hime in shock. She landed with a loud “MEOH”.

He was afraid to look, but sure enough, Shigeru was sitting on the couch, only a few feet away, the slightest trace of annoyance in his expression. The cat’s carrier was nowhere to be found; the man had probably simply carried the cat over in his arms. Yuudai jumped what he felt was about a foot into the air, dislodging Taisei, who fell onto his ass.

“This is way too much,” he moaned, sinking to the floor. Instantly Hime was on him, climbing all over his thin frame, eventually settling onto his lap and purring.

“Yuudai, yeh alright?” Shigeru asked, voice tinged with worry. The man stood and walked over to the blonde.

“Huh?” There was an unfamiliar wetness on his cheek.

“Yuudai! You’re crying!” Taisei exclaimed, peering at the blonde.

Sure enough, a few tears rolled down his face, falling onto the cat on his lap, who didn’t seem to notice. “I am?”

“See! You’re not broken at all!” Taisei cheered. “I told you so!”

“Huh.” Yuudai wiped away the droplets. There weren’t many, but it was a start.

“I told yeh you’d be back fer’ her. Shigeru smiled gently, crouching to pet the cat, who purred even louder.

“Shigeru, what happened to your hand?” When the man had leaned in to pet the cat, Yuudai had noticed bruising around his knuckles, and Shigeru quickly stood.

“He punched Arata as he left.” The three men jerked their heads up and found Taro in the doorway, studying the undersides of his nails. “You guys done yet?”

“You what?” Yuudai looked up at his old friend, who refused to meet his eyes. Shigeru was the most patient person he had ever met, and he had never seen anything stronger than mild annoyance out of the man. Had he really punched someone? It seemed impossible, but the traces of red in the taller man’s cheeks said otherwise. “Why?”

Now Shigeru looked at him. “Yuudai…” he began, brows furrowing. “Are yeh serious? Ah been savin’ that up since las’ year.”

“Last year?” Yuuda repeated, dumbfounded. Why that long? Last year had been the bottle incident, then Shigeru taking care of him for a while, putting up with all his insecurities and issues. He had been gentle, moving slowly, working around the reflexive rejections, and afterwards Yuudai had sworn he had looked angry, but had written it off as a trick of the light.    
“...oh,” he finally squeaked, turning red as he realized he had seen it perfectly fine after all.

When he glanced back up, Taro was close, locking eyes with Shigeru, who looked unusually panicked. Taro was squinting, thinking hard, before finally balling his hand in a fist and striking his open palm. “I get it now!” he exclaimed, laying a hand on Shigeru’s shoulder. “Don’t worry!” He turned towards Yuudai as well, eyes sparkling. “I’ll support you both!”

“Fffffffffffffffffffuck,” Yuudai hissed, covering his face with his hands. Why  _ Taro  _ of all people? He hadn’t even come to the right conclusion from the looks of things.

“Uh, I think yeh might ‘ave it a bit mixed up,” Shigeru attempted to clarify, glancing between the blonde and the short man.

“Yeah!” Taisei chimed in, glaring at Shigeru. “What about  _ me? _ ”

Yuudai curled up on the ground, refusing to open his eyes. “What  _ about  _ you?” he shrieked.

“That’s mean, Yuudai!” came the reply, though Taisei didn’t sound very hurt. “After everything we’ve done together?”

“ _ Why are you even saying it like that?” _

“Guys!” Jiro shouted, stepping between everyone. “Yuudai probably just wants to go home. I’m sure he’s had a pretty long day.”

For once in his life, Yuudai agreed with Jiro. He slowly uncurled and sat back up, focusing on the younger Sakana. “Yeah, that sounds… nice.” Back home, to his not-so-safe apartment.  While the peace might never fully return, he knew he had nothing to fear from Arata, at the very least. It was a shithole, but it was familiar. Still, his apartment… he had a nagging feeling he was forgetting something important. Two months of solitude had made everything before it kind of fuzzy. Oh well. He’d cross that bridge when he came to it.

“Let’s go!” Taisei punched the air as he lept to his feet, seemingly hyped up about the trip he had already inserted himself into, and he ran out to the hallway. “I still know how to get there!”

“We’re coming?” Taro asked, frowning while he voiced his concern. “Is this a party or something?”

“I don’t wanna let him go alone!” Taisei crossed his arms. “Besides, he probably needs help carrying Hime’s things.”

“I guess I could help out.” Taro shrugged, and joined the giant.

“Um, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind…” Jiro interjected as he walked over, trying to hush the other two, and soon enough Yuudai found himself excluded from a conversation that was centered around him. This might take a while. Content to sit still for the moment, he sank onto the couch, joined by Hime moments later.

Shigeru, for his part, was glancing between the animated group and the silent blonde, looking like he wanted to say something. “Ah, Yuudai…” he finally began, trailing off.

“Yeah?” The blonde looked up, meeting his eyes, too tired to feel embarrassment. Reassured by the eye contact, the tall man straightened a bit, but the awkward expression remained.

“Yah have been gone fer ah bit mor’ then two months, yeh?”

“...yeah?” Yuudai’s voice raised a bit at the end, a bad feeling settling into the pit of his stomach.

“Well…” Shigeru was extremely hesitant, like he was trying to avoid delivering news of a tragedy. “Th’ landlord’s a bit of en asshol’, innit?” Silence from the blonde. “An’ you’v been gone a’while?” More silence. “...yeh haven’t paid rent?”

“Oh my god,” Yuudai whispered, finally understanding. “I’ve been fucking evicted.”

Now the silence hung over the entire room, with the previously chattering trio noticing something was up. They moved back into the living room, Taisei eyeing Yuudai with some measure of concern. “Is something wrong?”

“There’s no more home for me here,” Yuudai muttered, a hand clenching into the white fur. Shigeru frowned.

“Why not?” Taisei, utterly unable to speak quietly, focused all the attention in the room onto Yuudai, who curled slightly inwards.

“Because I don’t have an apartment anymore!” Yuudai’s voice finally jumped an octave, the stress of the day finally sinking in. Hysteria tinged his expression. “And I don’t have any money to get one!”

“O-oh.” Jiro looked away, totally at a loss for words. “Um.”

The seconds ticked by quietly. Yuudai’s eyes were wide, staring into nothing, a slight twitch starting to emerge. Hime, recognizing something, jumped off her master’s lap and sat next to him on the couch. Taro was staring at Yuudai, mouth hanging open comically, while Shigeru wore a grimace. Taisei’s mouth formed a perfect ‘o’ shape and his entire body had frozen, like he was processing an extremely important piece of information.

“Well…” Shigeru had started to say something, and Yuudai whipped his head over in response to the sound, when suddenly he found himself hovering over the couch.

“You can just live here!” Taisei shouted, cutting Shigeru off. He held the blonde aloft easily, an act made even simpler by the fact that Yuudai was absolutely petrified.

The blonde’s hands were frozen in claws and they grasped at nothing. His shoulders were hunched up and his legs remained bent in the seated position, his face still pointed at Shigeru, who was trying to cover up a snort. “What--” he stuttered. “What are you--”

“It’s perfect! You guys all work at the fish market, which is  _ super _ close by, and we’re all used to getting woken up early anyways, and it’ll be super easy to come home after drinking, and to hang out!” The smile was blinding, though Jiro looked like he had reached a new level of nervousness, and Taro’s eyes were narrowed.

“No!” Yuudai finally relaxed his body, feet pedaling wildly as he tried to reach the couch. “It’s totally fine, I’m used to sleeping outside! I’ll just save up money like the first time!”

“Don’t be silly!” Taisei’s smile stayed the same but his grip tightened considerably, eliciting an ‘eep’ from the blonde, who had been trying to push down on the giant’s wrists like it would suddenly set him free. “It’ll be  _ super  _ fun! There’s  _ plenty _ of room! I don’t think it would be very expensive because  _ I already pay most of the rent anyways! _ It would actually make it  _ even easier _ for me! You should  _ definitely  _ stay here, right, guys?”

Finally, Yuudai was set down as Taisei turned to face his roommates. Taro was now looking away, shuffling his feet, and Jiro was staring at the wall. Neither man said anything.

Yuudai looked to Shigeru for help, but only found a shrug. “Seems’like it all worked out,” the man drawled.

“It’s settled!” Taisei clapped his hands together. “Welcome home, Yuudai!”

“U-uh…” Yuudai looked up at the other man, resigning himself to the fact that he wouldn’t be able to change the other’s mind. Besides, maybe living with someone like Taisei was exactly the sort of change he needed. “T-thank you.”

Taisei smiled yet again, bright and warm and genuine, and the blush returned to Yuudai’s face. The moment didn’t last, as Taisei was soon off like a shot, listing off items they needed to get and running back and forth throughout the apartment while getting absolutely nothing done.

“If yah ever need a break frum this…” Shigeru gestured broadly, indicating the entire apartment, “Me ‘n Jan are just up ah floor, a’right?” It was a simple offer, but relief flooded through Yuudai nonetheless. He nodded. “Ah’ll be righ’ back with Hime’s things.” With that, the man left.

Yuudai sat back down on the couch, and was soon approached by Taro. “Looks like we’re roommates now,” the short man said nonchalantly, and a shiver went down Yuudai’s spine. He held out a hand to shake, and Yuudai grabbed it slowly. Predictably, the grip was crushing. “So let’s  _ be nice. _ ”

Gulping, Yuudai nodded rapidly, and his hand was released. Taro wandered off, and the blonde put his head in his hands. Inhale, exhale. It was going to be okay.

The couch dipped slightly, and Yuudai glanced over to see Jiro seated next to him. “Sorry,” the blonde murmured. “You’re probably not thrilled about this.”

“Actually…” Jiro paused. “I don’t really mind. Are you okay with this, though?”

Someone was asking for  _ his _ opinion? Yuudai was shocked. “I guess so?” he eventually replied. “It’ll take some adjusting.”

“That’s for sure,” Jiro agreed, laughing nervously. “I have a feeling… it might just work out.”

“Whatever you say, bud.” Yuudai choked out a laugh. He pulled his head up and leaned back against the couch, sighing. The blank ceiling stretched above him, and he focused on the nothingness, letting the noise fade into the background. Maybe this  _ could _ work. Sure, it would be bumpy at first, and Taisei? That was gonna be a minefield, and he had no idea how to navigate it. Jiro was unexpectedly kind, and Taro seemed more interested in protecting his brother and friend than bothering Yuudai. A calm escape, Shigeru, would be close, and Hime would love the company. Eventually Jiro got up, and Yuudai stretched out along the couch, the aforementioned cat jumping up to curl up on his stomach.

Friends. It had been a very long time since he could say he actually had friends. He was lucky enough to have had, and kept, Shigeru, and he couldn’t even comprehend the idea of having  _ more _ . They definitely fought, but he could talk to Taro, and they had had fun before, complaining about some of the worse customers. Though he had hated the younger brother, Jiro was nothing but reassuring, someone who listened without judgement. Taisei… the taller man was still like a brilliant light to him, and endless source of joy. Just being around him lifted Yuudai’s spirits. If it was with someone like Taisei, he might finally start to become happy.

Yuudai’s breathing slowed, and his eyes shut. Hime purred and he focused on the quiet buzzing, finally truly relaxing. The exhaustion was making itself apparent, and his thoughts grew disjointed as he started to slip into unconsciousness. Maybe, just maybe, everything was going to be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end, but only for now! I'm absolutely planning on writing more in this universe including a direct sequel, but it takes me a long time to write so I have no idea when any of that will be finished. One of these days!


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